


Dark Horse

by Grapeofwrath



Category: Benedict Cumberbatch - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, hiddlestoners
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1920s, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2017-12-31 08:30:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grapeofwrath/pseuds/Grapeofwrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am not great at writing summaries especially for this one. I kind of just dropped Benedict Cumberbatch & Tom Hiddleston into the 1920's and made them very different people. The story is about a suicidal Benedict who get's into a bit of a pickle and get's brought to 'Tommy' who runs Atlantic City. Benedict falls in love with a Burlesque dancer named Mattie who also happens to be Tommy's girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This was my friend Faith's idea. So,this one's for you,Faith 
> 
> Also there is major trigger warnings for suicide so don't read any further if that's your trigger okay?

BENEDICT

 

I am alive but barely. The rope around my neck is becoming tighter but it's incredibly dull waiting to die .I thrash my legs in hopes that my neck will snap,that the air left in my lungs will hiss out like a balloon with a hole poked through. I'd come to the seaside to die a peaceful death and yet it's taking longer than one would think.It's actually quite stressful. I almost check my watch but then the rope breaks and I fall to the floor,split wood everywhere.This is my third attempt.

 

Next time I will succeed.

 

I lay on the floor for awhile.I pull my knees to my chest and pretend that my mother is holding me which is absurd because I am a grown man of thirty-seven and my mother has been dead for some time. Besides,I am far from home.Whether it be my home of England or my eventual home of heaven-praying that it exists-I am far from reality. I am even farther from myself most days.

 

When the sun goes down and my room falls prey to the night,I pick myself up off of the floor and clean up the mess. When I am done,it is like nothing has ever happened.It is quiet in my room,the only sounds coming from the downstairs tenant whose Jazz music filters up through the vents. There is no better time to die than when you're wrapped up in the sweet sounds of those Tin Roof Blues.I grab my hat ,and give one last meek smile to the ghosts that no doubt linger ,before shutting the door to my flat.

 

The New Jersey air is beautiful. I never thought I would fall in love with the way salty air seeps into your pores and makes you tired but I have. There are sleepy seaside towns in England as well but nothing compares to the great Atlantic City. It's a marvelous place for a headcase like me. It's ironic that I moved here at the start of 1923 to paint portraits of social realism and yet I've met no one worth knowing and the only realism in my life is my real intention to die.

 

"Hey.You come here looking for me?"

 

A woman came out of the shadows. She was pretty in a real American type of way but not the kind of pretty that stops you in the street. I stood swaying for a minute trying to deduce what a girl like this could want from me until I realized what any girl like this could want from any male citizen at night.

 

"I'm afraid I don't have much money." I told her.

 

"Aw,baby." she cooed. " Can't you spare anything,stud? I'd give you a real good time."

 

"I'm terribly afraid I'm not much for conversation at the moment." I said. 

 

"It ain't your mouth I want to open" she laughed. "Come on,you have to live a little."

 

Live a little. What a funny phrase coming from a prostitute on the corner of the boardwalk. People were living their lives all around her,spending hard earned money,and taking their little ones to the sea while she scurried like rats under the wooden boards living only for the pleasures of other people.

 

"What is it you spend your money on?" I asked her.

 

"I don't see how that's any of your damn business" she said.

 

"Forgive me. I'm not from around here..."

 

"You sure ain't" she said. "Do you want to fuck or not? There's plenty of people around here who would gladly take a gal like me to happy town,handsome. I can't wait for you. I'll be waiting until I'm dead."

 

 

"Okay" I said,not quite believing the sound of my own voice. I've never paid for sex.It didn't interest me in the slightest but I felt more alone now than in the eight months I've been here.

 

"All of that fightin' for an 'Okay'?" she asked. "Honey,I will show you what life is all about"

 

 

We fucked standing up in an alley.She was surprisingly warm but it wasn't enough to keep my bones from rattling. I could hear the happy voices coming off the boardwalk,smell the cotton candy wafting through the cracks. She rode me like one of those sad little horses on a merry-go-round.You know the ones that are so still they look dead. Maybe I am dead.

 

When it was over,I paid her twenty dollars and she gave me a kiss on the mouth. I didn't get off or anything. I just kind of remained still like an ocean after a storm. She skipped off and left me in the dark.I didn't much like the inky black sky. The darkness brought out all of the things I didn't like in myself to the surface. They chased me like demons after a sinner.

 

I felt attempt four catching up to me quicker than your quickest alleyway screw. I'd been depressed for as long as I can remember. I think I was born to my mother as a sad being and one which she did not deserve. Sometimes I think she died wondering what she could have done to save me from myself. I liked to think she didn't blame herself but the demons make me believe that she did and that it's all my fault.

 

"Excuse me.Hey,stud! Yeah,you. I am talking to you.This isn't American money. What the fuck is this shit?"

 

In her hand she waved a twenty pound note. She was furious,her eyebrows as high as her hairline. I dug my hands in my pockets and soon realized that I had grabbed the wrong currency.I was at a loss for words.I couldn't do anything but stare at her and let her berate me for being such an idiot. I had no money with me to give her. She was loud and hysterical and I felt scared and like I could cry.

 

"Listen,man,you have to give me that money. You don't know who I work for. I need that money. Hiddles...he's..do you know him? He'll stick me in the gutter like he did to Lucy. Did you hear about that? Dead hooker coming up in the flood,body bloated,and her tits ripped off? I can't end up like that. I have a child,please." she said frantically.

 

"I have money but it's at my flat." I said." I can take you there."

 

"That's not allowed! I can't leave this area. Are you stupid or something? Do you not know who Tommy Hiddles is or what he does? He won't just kill me. No. He'll kill you too and he will make you suffer and wish you were dead."

 

 

"I already wished I was dead" I muttered.

 

 

"Hey,man,that is your problem but I just gave you my sweet pussy and now you need to pay up. There are people all over that work for Hiddles. This is not my day to die" she said.

 

"I'm sorry"

 

I felt like I was going to be sick. All I wanted to do was smell the salty air,stroll along the boardwalk,and breathe it all in one last time. I would go home and paint the vision of life that I saw through my own eyes and then I would make my last attempt to meet my creator. It was a beautiful way to die,much better than death by Jazz,I am sure.

 

 

"Are you listening to me at all?!" she asked." Oh,shit...Fuck here comes Stanley. We are fucked now. We are really fucked. You should run."

 

 

"I have...I have.." I began. I looked at her. She was getting blurry and the next thing I know everything is black and I am falling,falling,falling.

 

 

 

When I come to,I am staring at a ceiling. I blink once and try to raise my head but it feels heavy and my temples are throbbing.My vision is still a little blurry,my tongue is thick in my mouth. I move my hands to see if I have feeling and I notice that I am handcuffed to a chair. I move my wrists up and down and hear the cling clang of the chains.

 

 

"Sleeping beauty is up" a gruff voice says.

 

 

I jump up at the sound of the voice but feel two hands on either side of my shoulders push me back into the chair. My heart is hammering against my ribs. Every breath I take claws up my lungs.I taste blood in my throat.I wonder if this is hell.

 

 

"Is this the man,Doris?" I hear another voice,this ones light ,and in an accent similar to mine.

 

"Yes" Doris said timidly. "It's him. Gave me some paper."

 

"It's money,Doris,but I don't expect you to know that. After all, I do not employ you for your brains. That is all. If you come to me again with a problem, Doris, I am going to break your fucking hands. Understand?"

 

 

"Yes,Hiddles" she said.

 

 

"Don't call me that,Doris,please" Hiddles said. "That is an unfortunate name given to me by those that don't deem me a threat."

 

 

"Yes..Tommy" Doris corrected.

 

 

"Wrong again" he sighed." Stanley take her out back and hose her off"

 

 

"No!" Doris yelled. "I am sorry. I didn't mean..I am sorry..I just."

 

 

"Can't I have this one?" Stanley asked. "She's real pretty"

 

 

The man with many names must have given a death look because there was no need for an answer. I would hear Doris screams for the rest of my short life as she was dragged away. I could hear her heels dragging on the floor,feel her fear in the pit of my stomach. I wanted so badly to leave with her but I tugged at my chains again and the weight of my problems tugged back.

 

 

"You can lift yourself up now. Stanley is gone. He is a thuggish brute and is all about death and dying. So fucking morbid. A man like me can't live like that all of the time,you know? How do you feel,mate?"

 

 

"Like death" I said,my voice hoarse.

 

 

"Ahhh,a fellow Englishman. I thought as much."

 

 

I leaned my head up slowly. I was in a well lit room with lush furniture and a massive dark cherry wood desk that took up half the room. Shelves lined the walls but not with books. Rows and rows of guns and bullets stared back at me,their black bodies threatening me.

 

"Are you going to war?" I asked.

 

I looked back at my captor and was greeted by a smiling face,the type of face that looks no older than twenty but is just as menacing to any old fool. His thin frame leaned against the desk.His legs were crossed as well as his hands. He looked so tiny in front of that desk,and it made me think of a little boy trying to live in a man's world but that's not what was happening. There was no doubt in my mind that this was The Boss. He was young and unassuming with blonde hair and blue eyes but it's what was in those eyes that frightened you most.

 

"Wouldn't you like to know" he said. " What is your name? Don't lie to me either. I will find out."

 

 

"Benedict Cumberbatch" I said. "Why am I chained? Am I a prisoner?"

 

 

"Well,Mr. Cumberbatch,I received a complaint that some man has screwed one of my girls and failed to pay up. I see the mistake now. It's silly,really,but there is still a debt to be paid. Now,I don't know you from anyone. If Stanley had his way you would be knee deep in your own piss right now ,digging your own grave, but a group of people were there to witness you pass out. What's a guy to do? So,now you're neither here nor there. I have not decided what I am going to do with you yet. I must admit I feel a soft spot for any man that reminds me of home. You may yet live."

 

 

"Actually if it's all the same to you,I would rather die."

 

 

"Alright,fine" he said.

 

He came over to me. I flinched as he uncuffed me from the chair.He walked over to the shelf of guns and plucked a small one off. I closed my eyes as the sound of him loading it vibrated in my ears.

 

 

"Open your eyes" he commanded.

 

When I did,I saw that he had placed the gun in my own hand. I hadn't felt it slip in. It was cold,and heavy. I'd never held a gun before in my hand. My mother didn't believe in them and I feared her wrath in the after life.Death by rope always seemed so simple.

 

"Go on" he urged,pointing at the gun. "Kill yourself. It's what you want,isn't it?"

 

 

"I.." I began but found I didn't know what to say.

 

 

"You would rather I do it then?"

 

 

I nodded.

 

 

"It would be so easy that way,Mr.Cumberbatch,wouldn't it? I can only choose if you live. I do not get to choose how you die. That is your choice. Go ahead and pull the trigger. "

 

 

I put the gun up to my head. My arms were shaking uncontrollably. I placed my finger on the trigger. I hovered like this for sixty seconds-I counted-before I let the gun fall to my lap in defeat. It would be too easy,too quick,too much of a good thing. I did not deserve good things. I deserve no beautifully poetic demise. I deserved to be alone in life and in my death.

 

 

"How long have you been trying to die?" he asked,gesturing to my neck. I reached up to touch the raw skin.

 

 

"Too long" I said,handing him the gun.

 

 

"Why would you want to die in this beautiful place?" he asked. He sauntered over to a huge window that sat behind the desk."Come here,Mr Cumberbatch."

 

 

I obeyed. The window was overlooking the inside of an empty club. It reminded me of a future I hated the thought of being a part of,a future too far into it's dirty lies and scandals. I sensed that this stage,this bar,and this man were all a part of something I would be sorry I got into.

 

 

"What will happen to Doris?" I asked.

 

 

"Just be lucky you're still alive" was all he said.

 

 

Down below there were a group of girls taking the stage for dance practice or something. They wore beautiful shimmery gold outfits that didn't cover up much. A man on the piano started playing a happy tune and they shook their bottoms to the sound. They looked so happy.

 

 

"Anyway,I have to get back to work. I have a club to run." he said. "Shall I have someone escort you out?"

 

 

"I am fine on my own."

 

 

He held out a hand which I took. "I am Tommy by the way. Tommy Hiddleston. I own this joint and a lot of flop houses I am sure a man like you has never step foot in. Tell me, why did you fuck Doris?"

 

 

"I felt bad for her."

 

 

He laughed" Isn't that why we stick it in every woman? Fuck,they drive me crazy. Do you have a one of your own?"

 

 

"No"

 

 

"Good. Don't. They will suck everything out of you and it isn't things you would want to be sucked" he said. "Speaking of,you see that girl down there? The blonde one?"

 

 

How could I have missed her? She was at the center of the group of girls and she was in a red dress that was meant to draw attention. I hadn't taken my eyes off of her. It wasn't the dress. It wasn't the curly flaxen hair or the way she shook her breasts for an invisible crowd. It was in the subtle way she moved,like silk in the wind. She moved without intention as if the dance was written in her genetic makeup. The music was inside of her and I felt it inside of me too.

 

 

"I see her" I said.

 

 

"That's my girl,Mattie Luther. She's the star of the show I put together. People come from all over just to see her....But she is a pain in the balls sometimes. You want her?"

 

 

"I'm sorry?"

 

 

"Relax. I am joking. She is the love of my life. I would kill for that girl" Tommy said. He opened up one of the windows and called down to the group. "Mattie,get up here."

 

 

The girl pouted,nodded to the group of girls to take a rest. Tommy looked to the door as she walked in. His eyes lit up as he saw her but hers remained dead. In fact,they went straight to me. I didn't know what to do so I smiled.I must have looked like the worlds biggest prat.

 

 

"Mattie,can you escort Mr. Cumberbatch out,please?" Tommy asked. He went over to her and kissed her. I turned away out of respect.When I looked back she was looking at me again. Her face was expressionless like a dolls..no..like a puppet waiting for her master to pick her up and play with the strings.

 

 

Mattie nodded. "Some of the girls are tired. They want a break. I keep telling them that I'll talk to you about it."

 

 

"No break" Tommy said. He took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket,took one,put it between his lips,and lit it up. "I don't pay them to sit around on their sweet little arses."

 

 

"They are being overworked"

 

 

"Mattie,don't push me." he said. He blew smoke into her face. Her frustrated expression didn't change. She stared him down,determined to get her way. Tommy didn't budge and instead smacked and grabbed her ass,pulling her forward." I don't want to hear about it again. Do you want to lose your pay?"

 

 

"Of course not but-"

 

 

"-But nothing" Tommy said. "Now be a good girl and do what I fucking asked."

 

 

"I can escort myself out. Really. It's fine" I said.

 

 

"She'll do it" Tommy said. "Won't you,sweetheart?"

 

 

Mattie didn't answer. She walked out of the room in a huff. I began to follow her when Tommy put a hand to my chest,holding me back.His fingers were digging into my skin so hard that it felt like they would break through my chest.

 

"Consider yourself lucky,Cumberbatch. I was in a good mood today"

 

 

"Yes,thank you"

 

 

"The next time something like that happens,you'll be wearing new bullet holes to go along with that nice ring around your neck"

 

"I understand"

 

 

"Just as long as you do." he said. Tommy clapped me on the back and sent me out of the door. "Oh,and Mattie? Please give Mr Cumberbatch a ticket for him to come back and see the show sometime. After all,he does have a debt to pay."

 

 

The door shut behind us,encasing us in the dark. She turned to me,her big green eyes glittering in the night. I held out my hand to be a gentleman and help her down the staircase but she slapped my hand away and walked down the steps without my help. I followed.

 

 

"What do I look like to you?" she asked. 

 

 

"I was just being polite.I am sorry.It's in my blood."

 

 

"Yeah well take that English bullshit somewhere else" she said.

 

 

"Alright" I said. "I am sorry"

 

 

Mattie stopped halfway down the stairs and turned to me.She said, "Don't take is personally.I am having a bad day..bad night..bad life it seems"

 

 

"Yeah,me too."

 

 

"Well,you're alive" she said,giving me a smile that disarmed me. "No one ever walks out alive. Congratulations. How are you going to celebrate?"

 

 

"By Painting"

 

 

"You paint?" she asked. She led me through a series of hallways where the only light source were sconces with purple scarves draped over them.It felt very romantic.

 

 

"I am a painter,yes."

 

 

"What do you paint?"

 

 

"Social realism" I said. "Sorry that sounds a bit..."

 

 

"I'm not stupid" Mattie said. "I know what it is. What I don't understand is why you would come to Atlantic City for that. Tommy tells me England is beautiful especially the countryside."

 

 

"It is."

 

"But?"

 

 

"But I love the ocean. I love sitting on the boardwalk and watching all the people living. There is no better realism than laughing children or the waves crashing on the beach."

 

 

A sad look overcame her delicate face. I wanted to reach up and stroke her cheek but decided I quite liked my fingers. If Tommy Hiddleston didn't break them,Mattie Luther sure would. When she saw that I was looking,she tried giving me a smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

 

 

"You're wrong" she said "There isn't realism in this glass house we live in."

 

 

"There can be" I said. "If you look a little further"

 

 

"Oh yeah? " she asked,her lips easing into a smirk "Are you offering to take me away from all of this Mr Cumberbatch?"

 

 

"Call me Benedict."

 

 

"I don't think that is wise,Benedict" she said.

 

 

"I almost died twice today. I am not a wise man"

 

 

Her eyes flew briefly to my neck but she didn't say anything about it. Most people would ask questions but Mattie Luther must be used to keeping her mouth shut with the company she keeps. Instead she shrugged it off as if to say "Who is?" and showed me out of the place.

 

 

I could smell the salty air again.It filled my nostrils up and enveloped me like a lost lover. I suddenly felt better than I had in months. I looked to Mattie who stood watching me silently. She was deep in thought but when I looked at her,she came back to me. She handed me the ticket.

 

"Come see the show sometime" she said. "I heard it's good."

 

 

"I will" I said,tucking it safely away in my trousers. "Thank you."

 

 

"Don't thank me." she said.

 

 

"Right"

 

 

"I should go. My girls are waiting. It was nice to meet you, Mr. Cumberbatch" Mattie said. "I hope you stay awhile"

 

I got the feeling she was not talking about staying here at the club. My heart was throbbing worse than my throat. I couldn't hear the waves over the loud thoughts in my own head shouting at me to kiss her. I grabbed her hand-which was pretty out of character of me-and kissed the back of it. She pulled away when I took her wrist but eased as I brought her skin to my lips. She watched me closely and when I was done,she raised one perfect eyebrow.

 

"I'm sorry" I said. 

 

"Rule one.If you're going to do a thing like that to a girl like me you should learn not to apologize for it" she said. "Apologies get you murdered around here"

 

I nodded.

 

"Good night,Benedict" she said,shutting the door.

 

 

I backed away feeling every bit as alive as everyone keeps telling me to be. When I backed far enough I could see the sign of Tommy's club blazing purple.

 

'Dark Horse'


	2. Two

MATTIE

 

When I dance I imagine hands moving all over my body. They stretch me,pull me,and tug me into different positions like I am their masterpiece. The hands are rough and calloused but they caress my skin gently and careful enough not to bruise. Sometimes I can feel hot breath on my neck,feel the curve of a body against me as I close my eyes. Dancing is an intimate and innately sexual thing but there is nothing more frightening than knowing that nobody will be there to catch you if you fall.

 

 

It's become a ritual to dance at night when everyone else is asleep. I can be myself when It's only I looking back at me,judging my form in the mirror,and then going on to judge my own life choices. I'll sit in my dance studio that Tommy built me and I'll plié until I vomit,and then I'll plié in my sleep some more. I don't sleep much these days anyhow.

 

 

I throw my hands up,balance on my right foot,kick out my left,and spin. I spin and I spin. The room whirls around my in a blur of mirrors and me in my pink leotard. I think of nothing as I do this. I am nothing as I do this. I am too fast to touch,to hold. I am an illusion. 

 

 

I stop spinning as a black mass cuts into my vision. On instinct alone, I grab the little gun strapped to the inside of my thigh. I put my finger on the trigger and aim the gun at the doorway. I also like to imagine that a hand is guiding me through this too since I don't think I'd have the guts to actually kill someone.

 

 

It's Tommy. He seems pleased as I keep the gun trained on him. A grin works it's way to his thin lips. He saunters over to me and pulls the gun out of my steady hands. It was a gift birthday gift from him. He said that a girl like me needed to protect herself. I didn't know what 'A Girl Like Me' was then but I since learned that there was no one else like me and that I wasn't expendable.

 

 

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

 

 

Tommy never came to my home.Not since my father died last year. My younger brother,Sam,has always hated Tommy and had some secret vendetta against him. They would always get into it even if Sam's just a kid. They'd bicker and someone would always end up with a bloody nose. I worried for my brothers life with Tommy's temper and with my father not being able to protect him.

 

 

"Can't I visit my girl?"

 

 

Tommy leaned in for a kiss but I turned away from him. He didn't like that. His jaw clicked with anger and his eyes narrowed into slits. I expected him to strike me across the cheek but he only stared me down in the mirror. He pushed himself up against me. I felt his erection growing as it pressed into my ass. He placed his head on my shoulder and let his hands snake their way up my body. I leaned into him. I shut my eyes tightly as his warm fingers pushed into the opening of my vagina.

 

 

"You like that?" he whispered into my ear. Tommy's other hand grabbed me by my throat. His fingers pressed down hard,and left me gasping for air.

 

 

I moaned in response. Tommy had an insatiable need to feel things crush beneath his fingertips. He had to know that your life was in his hands at a moment's notice and he could do with it as he pleased. It was a power play,and one I was used to. We've been dating for four years and the number of scars on my body surpass those in places you cannot see.

 

 

His fingers skillfully teased my clit in a way that made me beg for more. He always got off when I begged him. He loved to hear me scream his name, and so I did,it's syllables hugging the walls of the studio.It wasn't until a small voice said my other name that we both stopped.

 

 

"Mommy?"

 

 

Tommy and I froze. We both turned our attention to the little girl standing in the doorway,a thumb in her mouth,and a teddy bear in her hand. She eyed us with confusion and curiosity.

 

"Mommy,I can't sleep" she whined.

 

Tommy let me go. I ran over to my four year old daughter,Anna,and scooped her up into my arms. I kissed the top of her blonde head and squeezed her tight to my chest.

 

 

"You should put your daughter to bed" Tommy said.

 

"She's your daughter too,Tommy" 

 

 

With wide,innocent eyes,Anna looked at Tommy. She's only seen him a handful of times but she know's exactly who he is. She is scared of him because she knows that he is a bad man.I taught her that she will always be safe as long as she is away from him and with me.

 

"She looks so much like me" he said.

 

I couldn't deny that as much as I wanted to. Tommy financially cared for his daughter but he held her only once when she was born. I raised her. My father helped because I was nineteen and a child myself.Sam was ten at the time and did what he could. Despite all of this,Anna,asked for Tommy until she was three years old. After that I think she gave up on her daddy. I'll catch her looking into the mirror at times and she'll talk to Tommy like he's there. It breaks my heart but there's no use lying to her.

 

"I'm going to put her to bed" I said.

 

"Good and then we will resume"

 

I shook my head "Go home,Tommy. I'll see you in the morning."

 

 

He was angry.He never liked being told what to do. He didn't like hearing the word NO but what he hated most of all was that I wasn't putting him first. Tommy's open jealousy towards our daughter sickens me. It get's worse the older she get's. I told him once that he shouldn't have gotten me pregnant if he didn't want to compete with a child but he threw me to the ground and threatened to cut Anna off from everything. I needed the money or else I would have left. Tommy knew I needed him too and he milked that for all it was worth.

 

 

"Maybe I'll stay the night" Tommy said. "Would you like that,Anna?"

 

 

"Yes,daddy" She said softly.

 

 

My daughter adapted frighteningly quick.She may look like Tommy but she is her mama's girl through and through. I kissed her cheek and nuzzled my nose against her ear. She is my everything.

 

"Can I hold her?" he asked,stepping forward. He didn't ask so much as hold out his arms and take her from me. The sight of seeing Tommy take her from me made me livid but seeing them so close to each other made me nostalgic for a family I knew I would never have.

 

"Let's go to bed,Shall we?" Tommy said. "Show me the way,sweetheart."

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"Where is he?" Sam busted through my bedroom door the next morning. I wiped sleep from my eyes and saw that my baby brother had a steak knife in his hands.

 

 

"He's not here. He's gone. Would you put that thing away? "

 

 

"Anna told me he was here.I'll kill him,Mattie. I swear it."

 

 

"No.You won't." I said,swinging my feet out of bed. "He left. He isn't coming back here. He got what he came for"

 

 

I threw on a wool sweater over my nightgown. The rickety house we live in is drafty even in the late summer. I've tried to move the family somewhere else since fixing it up would be a waste of money but then my father got sick. Besides,we were all born here.It's home. Tommy offered to move us in with him without Sam but there was no way in hell I was leaving anyone behind.

 

"Why are you still with him?" Sam asked. He placed the knife on my nightstand. "There's gotta be a better way to make money."

 

 

"Not as much money as I make."

 

 

"I hate him!" Sam screamed. Birds from a nearby tree squawked and flew away.

 

 

"Sammy,I know. I do too."

 

 

Sam shook his head. "No,you don't. You love that sick bastard."

 

 

I guess in some twisted way I did love Tommy still. He wasn't always so bad. He actually was normal once,believe it or not. He was romantic too and kind but then he fell into the wrong crowd. It wasn't long before he was bootlegging alcohol and living recklessly. It was fun at first. We'd run scams during the daytime and fuck all through the night. I was young and in love and for the most part drunk off my ass. There was so much money rolling in that life was carefree until someone put a hit out on Tommy's boss,Elias. Tommy was the one that found the box with Elias' head inside of it. There was no return address but we later found out it was shipped from Florida. The police stay away from mob business and so cases like that go unsolved every year. All we know is that it was done by someone who calls themselves the "Dark Horse". Tommy soon took over Elias' franchises and that's when he became someone different to the Tommy I first met. I miss him a lot.

 

"It's complicated" I told Sam. "You wouldn't understand."

 

 

"I understand just fine" he said,his mouth set in a grim line. "You're chicken shit."

 

 

"Sammy..."

 

 

"Mattie,you must think I am a moron. I know why you can't leave him. He will kill us all but there are other ways. Don't you know that?"

 

 

"What ways?" I asked him. "It's either we're in boxes or he is. I don't like our odds."

 

 

"I will kill him for you and for Anna. You two are all I have."

 

 

"Daddy didn't raise you to be a killer."

 

 

"Don't be such a hypocrite. You're turning into a criminal."

 

 

Sam was right. I wasn't just an accomplice,some dumb blonde with a pussy that had Tommy's name on it. I often oversaw shipments when I wasn't dancing. I knew secrets that could get me killed. I never wanted to be a part of any of this but here I was smack dab in the middle. Everyone who was anyone knew about me. I would be prime target number one if people thought Tommy actually cared enough about me. No one knew of Anna. They knew I had a daughter but Tommy told everyone I was fucking other guys. It was just easier that way.

 

 

"I'm not proud" I said.

 

 

"Then,stop" Sam pleaded." Be my sister again,Mattie. Let me be the man of the household. I can do it. I know I am young but I will leave school and-"

 

 

"-You're not leaving school. You're right where you are supposed to be."

 

 

"And where does that leave you,huh? Anna? I don't want to come home and find out that my sister's body is in a ditch. I will kill him. I'll rip his fucking throat out and Anna won't have any family left. Is that what you want to happen?" Sam asked.

 

 

"You know that I don't. It's harder than you think,Sam.It's just not possible right now."

 

 

"Mommy!?" Anna said,peeking out from behind Sam's legs. "I don't like it when you yell at Uncle Sam."

 

 

"I'm sorry,baby.Come here."

 

 

I wrapped my daughter up in my arms. I wanted out. I didn't see a world where Anna is grown up and I am still pushing alcohol. And now Tommy is talking about getting into the heroin business with New York and Chicago.Once this wave is over and things calmed down I would think about taking my life away from Jersey for good. I had family in Philadelphia but Philly's much too close to home. Tommy has connections in damn near every major city in America. He would sniff me out straight away and make me suffer for ever leaving him. No,I had to get out of the country.

 

A smile came to my lips as I thought of moving to England. The man I met the night before,Benedict,he seemed like a safe bet. He's the kind of man you marry,the kind that put's on a top hat,pulls up in a horse and buggy,and whisks you away to a quiet countryside life. If he didn't kill himself first,of course.

 

"I am sorry,baby. " I said to Anna. I rocked her back and forth. I couldn't die. Not when my life was right here,right in my arms.

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

When Tommy told me he was naming the club after the very thing that's been hunting him for years,I laughed. I trusted him to be a fool but I never pegged him for a clever fool. What better way to laugh in the face of danger than to name your profit after those you're stealing business from. Since no one actually knew the identity of the Dark Horse,they couldn't be sure he knew of the club. I felt it in my bones that he knew and that he's been plotting Tommy's death all this time. I liked to think that I would ally myself with DH but I accepted that if Tommy went down,I would soon follow.

 

"What the hell are you smiling about?" Tommy asked.

 

 

"Nothing,dear" I said,biting my lip.

 

"You are never up to nothing" he said. He leaned back in his chair and thumbed through a stack of bills. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for the show?"

 

I looked down through the window at the gathering patrons. Tommy liked to tell people they came to see me dance but that isn't true. What I did wasn't dancing. I take off my clothes. I shake my ass and they smile or jeer. They grope the other girls. I was groped once too but after that man washed up in the Delaware River,no one touched me again. They sure liked watching me though. Tommy put me in the middle to tease people,and let them know that I am his and his alone. I fucked them right in their seats while their wives pretended not to know that their husbands were thinking of me riding them. I told you that I am an illusion. I am the thing you think that you see but I'm not actually there.

 

I didn't want to dance for Tommy but the pay was pretty good and after moping around he got tired of me and put me to work. I've always been a dancer:Ballet and Jazz. But I never thought I would end up in a place like this. I had bigger dreams.

 

"The show's not until eight"

 

 

"So?"

 

 

"So,It's only seven-thirty"

 

 

"You think you're so perfect that you don't need to practice?" he sneered.

 

 

"My body knows the routine."

 

"Oh yeah? Show me.Come here and show me what else your body knows" Tommy came out from behind his desk and sat down in one of the chairs meant for guests and by guests I mean dead men that don't know their dead yet.

 

 

Tommy could be incredibly sexy when he wasn't trying to be Mr. Boss all the time. He sat with his legs wide open. His hands moved to rub his thighs while his tongue brushed against his lower lip. I walked over to him and started dancing. I was fast,breezing through the routine in a flash,and then I slowed it down. I sat on him,leaning my whole body back against him. His hands moved to cup my breasts as his lips kissed my neck. I grinded my ass into him slowly and could feel him harden instantly.

 

"Don't stop" he whispered menacingly.

 

 

"I don't plan to."

 

 

I kept moving and rubbing against him like a cat in heat. His hands grabbed my waist and rolled my body around. I reached behind me and started rubbing his cock through the fabric of his suit pants. The contact made him clutch the sides of the chair.

 

 

"You're going to make me come in my expensive suit."

 

 

"Then take it off" I said,smirking.

 

 

Unable to contain myself any longer, I straddled him. He brought my face down to his and kissed me roughly.

 

"You taste so good" he moaned into my mouth.

 

I unbuttoned his white shirt and ran my fingers across his chest. His hot mouth nipped at my neck and sucked on my nipples through my costume. I arched my back in ecstasy.

 

"Take this fucking thing off "he groaned,clawing at the zipper.

 

"Don't. You'll rip it."

 

"Take.It.Off" he said.

 

I hastily moved the crotch part of the costume to the side for easier access. Tommy took his cock out of his pants and pushed himself deep inside of me. We were used to fucking quickly and we got the job done within ten minutes. And they say romance is dead.

 

 

"I love you" he said as he watched me straighten myself out. "Did you hear me?"

 

 

"Yeah I heard you. You just haven't said that in awhile." I said.

 

 

"Well,I do"

 

 

"I love you too."

 

 

"You know I'd do anything for you"

 

 

"Where is this going?" I asked him.

 

 

He took my wrists and pulled me to him. Tommy never took me in his arms affectionately. If it wasn't to fuck me he didn't want any part of it. It was odd feeling the muscles in his back loosen at my touch. The fluttering of his heartbeat surprised me. I didn't even think he had one of those.

 

 

"I know I'm a prick..." he began. "...And I know you don't like me. My own daughter hates me."

 

 

"She doesn't..." I started to say but there was no point. Tommy is a prick but he isn't a stupid prick.

 

 

"She is scared of me. You are too. I can see it in your eyes. And you should be scared of me. I'm not a good man but I love you both so much and I want to be a good man for you. I'd do anything to keep you safe. Don't you forget that." he said.

 

 

"Okay" I said,pulling away. "Are you okay?"

 

 

"Yes. I am just thinking a lot."

 

"Anything I can help with?"

 

Tommy shook his head. "Unless you know where Dark Horse is."

 

"Fuck him." I said.I caressed Tommy's cheek. "He probably doesn't even exist."

 

 

"No.There were reports that he's been hiding out in New Mexico biding his time." Tommy said. "I can't wait to get my hands on him. He'll wish he never existed."

 

 

"I'm sure" I said. I leaned up and kissed him long and hard. "I have to go. The show is starting."

 

 

"And the show must go on.Right?"

 

I nodded.

 

"Mattie,I can trust you. Can't I? If you knew something,you wouldn't hesitate to tell me?"

 

 

" Of course. I am yours."

 

Tommy smiled brilliantly. "That's what I like to hear."

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

There was one blue spotlight trained on the five of us. We stood still,the only movement was our chests rising and falling. In the dark the audience clapped for us. I could feel eyes on me even if they couldn't see me. They were always hungry for a glimpse of us girls in our tight clothes,legs for days,and a bit of cleavage. It was our fourth performance of this routine this week. Yet again,we would hear the cat calls rise as soon as the spotlights burned yellow.

 

"Bottoms up girls" I whispered.

 

We all bent over with out asses stuck out in the air. I wrapped my arms around a girl on either side of me for support. When the spotlight shined on us-a signal for the start of the show- we shook our asses for the people that paid big money to even step foot in the Dark Horse club. We sell it all here:sex,drugs,booze,and it's cheaper here than our competition on the boards.

 

 

I lose myself as soon as the music starts.It's like I'm alone in the room dancing only to myself again. I shut everyone out. I even pretend the girls don't exist here in the burning yellow light. I fling one glove to no one while I ease the other one up my body.. I slowly strip off the gold dress to reveal a red leotard with cut-outs on the side. The cheers are so loud that reality rips me from my isolation. It is time for the part of the routine where I dance alone in the dark.

 

It becomes eerily quiet as the tempo slows down. The crowd waits expectantly for me to start. I begin to sway my body but then I see him in the crowd. A flash of spotlight lights up his angular face. He is watching me intently almost fixated on only me and nothing else. His gaze makes me forget where I am for a moment. I can hear the girls to my left urging me to do something,anything,but I am unable to move.

 

"I can't do this" I say but I don't know who hears me.

 

I turn to go when I hear multiple voices shouting from the throng:

 

'Go on baby shake that ass'

 

'We didn't pay to watch you stand there'

 

'Excuse me. Shut up in the front and let the girl dance'

 

'Hey fuck you.'

 

 

The shouting get's louder as more people become upset. The crowd erupts as the club lights snap on,illuminating every corner of Dark Horse's secrets. I see several men are out of their seats and in each other's faces. It's complete chaos. I can see Stanley's thick body pushing through the people,the shiny butt of a gun in his hand. A shot rings out. People scatter every which way in a blind panic. I cannot move. Women are crying somewhere close to me. I hear Tommy's accent over the noise.

 

 

A hand slips into mine. I turn around and meet Benedict's concerned eyes . He moves in front of me to block me from any harm. I rest my head against his strong back and clutch onto his hand even tighter. I feel light-headed. Partly from the mess I caused and partly because he is here so close to me and I can smell his fear and yet he is risking his own life to save mine. I want him to carry me away from here which is such a silly thing to think especially for a girl like me.

 

 

"Are you alright?" Benedict asked. He turned back to me and looked into my face. His long fingers pulled my eyelids up to look into my pupils. "What happened up there? Do you normally get cold feet?"

 

 

"I have no idea"

 

 

It was you,I wanted to say. I saw you and my mind went blank. In all of my years dancing on this stage I've never been nervous. I have never been scared to give the world a piece of me until this moment when a simple stranger looked at me with the world in his own eyes.

 

 

"It's all okay now" he said,looking over the crowd. "It's quieted down. You're safe with me,Mattie."

 

 

Not safe enough,I thought, as Tommy charged towards me. I dropped Benedict's hand and pushed him away. I faced the wrath of Tommy's bulging eyes,the air blowing out of his nose like a bull.

 

 

"What the fuck was that?" he spat. He threw a chair that was in his pathway. It flew across the room and broke a few glasses. "You cost me a lot of money tonight. Everyone's asking for a refund. Are you happy now? Is this what you want,to destroy me?"

 

 

Tommy lifted his arm up to strike me in my face but Benedict stepped in front of me and caught Tommy's arm. His strength and determination shocked us all,even Benedict himself,just by his worried expression. Tommy tried pulling away but Benedict's grip was much too tight. Benedict's face twisted into something dark. It scared me. His kind eyes were mean,angry. They looked like the eyes of a killer. As quick as it had come,it vanished,and he was back to looking like the same timid guy I first met.

 

 

"You don't hit women." Benedict said.

 

 

Tommy smiled deviously. "Alright" he said before using his other hand to punch Benedict on the side of his face.....


	3. Three

TOMMY

 

I fancy a good old-fashioned fight.Oh,how I love to feel my fist connect with my target. There isn't anything more satisfying to me than feeling bone break beneath my knuckles. It's not just about getting my licks in or damaging my opponent. I like feeling as if I am on top of the world even if I come out bruised and a tad bit broken myself. I quite enjoy feeling the pain.It's the only way to know you are alive. I was always a scrappy little fuck with fists that spoke too soon.I had a nasty compulsion to maim whomever stood in my way. It's no surprise that I turned out as man with a thirst for blood and power.

 

 

Swing right. Duck down low. Uppercut to the jaw. Don't let him see where you're going to go next. Circle him and search for his weaknesses. Does he have a wonky eye? Does he leer too much to the left? Is he fit enough to keep coming because I am and I'll come at him fast. I won't even break a sweat. He will lose. You can't think otherwise because if you do,you'll catch yourself off balance just enough for him to destroy you. It only takes one slip up and it's all over.

 

 

"Hit me back you pussy." I roared.

 

 

"I am not going to fight you" Benedict said. He clutched his hand to the side of his head where a nice lump was swelling.

 

 

"What's the matter,mate? Scared of losing?"

 

 

"I'm not going to fight you." he said again.

 

 

I swung at him again but he dodged the punch. I brought my hands close to me and went in repeatedly like a Cobra.Once more he moved out of the way at the very last second. My men moved forward but I shut them out. I had nothing against Mr.Cumberbatch personally other than the fact that he keeps getting in my way. A man needs to get his aggression out somehow and right now that smug pretty boy face is my punching bag.

 

 

"Tommy" Mattie pleaded. "Tommy,please. It's my fault. I take full responsibility. I'll pay you back. I don't care how long it takes I will pay you back for every ticket you lost. Please just stop this. You're going to hurt someone."

 

 

"Be lucky it isn't you" I said. I unbuttoned my suit jacket and started jumping around like a maniac.I felt like a boxer in the ring and the match was nearly over. The pure adrenaline running through my veins made me feel alive. I rolled up my sleeves ready for another round.

 

 

"Tommy" Mattie tried again. She liked to work my name over and over again in her mouth like it made a difference. The only time I wanted to hear her speak is when I am making her come.

 

 

"Hit me" I told Benedict. I gestured to my cheek. "Hit me right here. Come on,mate. Do me a disservice and wreck this mug of mine. Don't back away. I want you to. Let's do this."

 

 

"If I hit you I'm a dead man."

 

 

"You're already a dead man. " I said. "You think you can come in here and block me from touching my girl? Do you have any idea who the fuck you're dealing with?"

 

 

"Dark Horse?" he asked,shrugging.

 

 

The silence in the room was deafening. I dropped my hands down by my side and stared straight through him. Benedict looked around at my three men,eyeing the guns strapped to their waists. We locked eyes,blue to blue. What are you hiding I mutely asked him. There was a twitch at the corner of his lips for a flash of a second and then there was nothing but a stony face.

 

 

"How do you know that name?" I asked. My voice sounded less intimidating than I would have liked. I wasn't scared to hear the name out loud or anything. It's just queer hearing it from someone I've met only the night before,someone whose very knowledge could get himself tortured and killed. Not that I cared about him much. Mr. Cumberbatch was making himself a thorn in my side. Although,there's something about him,a quiet electricity,that intrigued me greatly.

 

 

"I must have heard it once." he said." In passing."

 

 

I cocked my head to the side. He seemed to be telling the truth but I of all people know that people aren't always what they seem. I didn't trust him. Fortunately for him, I was always a stickler for people without credence. It was a weakness of mine to keep my enemies close. 

 

 

"It means something to you all" Benedict said. "Something awful."

 

 

"You don't want to know" Mattie said.

 

 

"It's irrelevant" I said. "We should-"

 

 

A sudden blast of gunfire from the front entrance hall had us all running for cover behind the bar. I pulled out the gun in my jacket as well as one I keep buried in my sock. I handed one over to Benedict who took it like he was accepting a used tissue. 

 

 

"Protect her" I told him. " If they come behind here I want you to shoot them.If they aren't any of the people you see here right now I want you to aim that gun in your hand at their heads. Can you do that?"

 

 

"I will try."

 

 

"No you are going to do it. Shoot the motherfuckers. I will come for you when it's over" I told him. I didn't give him time to answer. I slapped him on the back and stood up. 

 

 

"Tommy" Mattie said. "Be careful."

 

 

"Aren't I always,baby?" I said. I leaned over,grabbed her chin,and pulled her in for a kiss. She was surprised by my macho show of affection but she didn't push me away. That's exactly what it was: A show. It was my way of pissing all over my territory. I winked at Benedict as we parted lips.

 

 

I came out from behind the cover of the bar,gun drawn. I motioned for my men to keep still so that I could listen for bated breath.A lot of these men are big and slow and stupid. If they weren't breathing heavily they were knocking into shit. I looked to Stanley on my left and guided my fingers to where I could see a slip of a shirt collar from behind a pillar. Stanley shot a round off at the pillar but no bodies fell to the floor. Impatient at my right hand man's incompetence,I grabbed his Beretta ,and moved forward with the two in my hands. 

 

 

"This will end a lot faster if you just come out now" I called out.

 

 

"I don't believe you" the man from behind the pillar said.

 

 

"Yeah you're right. I don't believe me either" I said before shooting at the pillar. I didn't miss. I never miss. "There are more men somewhere. We'll split up."

 

 

"What about them?" Stanley asked,indicating Benedict and Mattie.

 

 

I strolled over to the bar and hopped over gracefully. Benedict jumped and aimed the gun at me. I directed mine back at him which made him lower his in reticent defeat.

 

 

"Everyone okay?" I asked. "Are you enjoying the show?"

 

 

"I would like to go home now" Benedict said.

 

 

"That's not possible. There are five of us in here and we have no idea how many are outside or are on their way. We're outnumbered and they'll be able to pick us clean off. You stay. I need someone to protect Mattie and since you seem so keen on her I nominate you."

 

 

"I've never shot a gun in my life." Benedict told me.

 

 

"You're a liar. I don't know who you are or why the hell you're suddenly involved in my life but I must admit I like your bravery. Not many would lie to a man pointing a gun at their head." I said.

 

 

"I'm not lying. I'm a painter for fuck's sake. I hold paint brushes not guns."he said.

 

 

"I see a lot of things,Mr.Cumberbatch. I see the way your finger curves naturally around the trigger like it's greeting an old friend. I see your comfort at being handcuffed when most people would panic and be stupid enough to continue pulling as if the bonds will break. I see that glimmer in your eye when you look at her. I see you clearly enough,Sir." I said.

 

 

"Well then maybe you should use your eyes for something more important like protecting your own club" Benedict said through gritted teeth.

 

 

"Stop bickering,please" Mattie spoke up.I can tell she is shaken up.I resist the instinct to comfort her. I am meant to be angry with her "I can protect myself. I can help."

 

 

"No" Benedict and I said at the same time. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes. I was used to this look.It was one I often got when I stripped down people's secrets. I didn't need to look at Mr.Cumberbatch to know what he was all about because it is written in his body posture,in his calculating eyes,and hands.

 

 

"What if this is the Dark Horse attacking us?" Mattie asked. She looked only to me,her eyes welling up. The tears were for show but they weren't for my benefit. Mattie knows better than to play that game with me.

 

 

"Something tells me the Dark Horse would work alone with a name like that" Benedict said. "Who is this mystery man,anyway? Care on filling me in?"

 

 

"I don't care to,no" I said. "Mattie you're staying here before you fuck anything else up."

 

 

"I suggest you be a little nicer to her. If she hadn't choked on stage your club would be a full house. Imagine the refunds then" Benedict said. 

 

 

I leaned the gun against Benedict's head. He made a show of being brave and puffing out his chest. I hated to accept the fact that he still fascinated me but he was rooting himself deep under my soil and I couldn't shake him. I wanted to pick his brain but I wanted to ring his neck too.

 

 

"Mattie,you're staying where you are." I said. "You can fend for yourself from behind the bar. Benedict....Benedict you're coming with me. "

 

 

"Is that a good idea?" he asked.

 

 

"I don't trust you. You show up out of the blue and this happens. You tell me if it's a good idea or not."

 

"I came here to pay a debt. I am not a murderer."

 

"We're all murderers,Mr. Cumberbatch. Some of us just hide it better than others."

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I built the club when I was at the lowest point in my life. I was angry,confused,and possibly verging on suicidal. I cared nothing about my girl and nothing about my newborn baby. I wanted to avenge my mentor and my friend. Those were dark times when a Glock in my hand meant that the person at the end of the barrel didn't stand a chance. If I had my way every one of those bastards would have died a violent death but I was starting out at the bottom of the totem pole. I'd come to America to prove myself but I was left with a head in a box and no way out. There was a brief glimpse into a future where Mattie,Anna,and I walked off into the sunset but nothing came of it. I made my choice or I made my bed as it goes. Truth be told,I was lost without my gun,and my anger. I didn't know how to be myself without those things. The club was laid down as a grave for all those lost including myself. I wanted it to be a new start but it just ended up keeping me nailed to the past.

 

 

I am aware of the kind of man I've become. I can be cruel,temperamental,and callous. I raise my fists when I should shut my mouth. I hit women as I've seen my father do it to my mother. I've killed many men,and some women too. I don't hold my child. I am jealous of my own baby girl and sometimes I cannot stand to look at her. Mattie changed when she became a mum and I fell back into the shadows. I tricked people who trusted me. I stole money. I've felt a blade slice across someone's throat and I liked it. I could apologize for all of this and say that it was my childhood or it was the curiosity in me but I'd be lying. I am who I am because I made myself this way. I created the monster.

 

 

If I could take it all back,if I could correct all my mistakes,I would. I would be the man my mother wanted me to be. I would be a great father and lover and friend. I would be out of this business for good instead of venturing into heroin. There is nothing I would love more in this world than to take all of my memories away. I'd start over without ever knowing of this life. Maybe I would be happy. Who knows but I would be alive. This isn't living what I am doing. I know we all just wait to die,all of us,but I am asking for it every time I stare into the eyes of someone like me. It is a wonder I am still breathing.

 

 

Dark Horse. When I hear that name I find myself digging deeper into a hole I will never get out of. I have accepted my fate. I welcome with open arms what Dark Horse has in store for me. Nothing can be as evil as I am and if they are,well I want to meet them. There is plenty I want to know about him. There is plenty that Mattie doesn't know. It would just worry her about Anna's safety. It wasn't just Elias' head in a box but there was a note along with it.

 

"You're next, TH"

 

 

It became personal to me the moment I was called out. I brushed it off like it was just another threat from another person eager to take Elias' throne. As weeks,months ,passed by I went from being a lost little boy to a man with a purpose and that purpose was to rule. I thought nothing of Dark Horse until a second head in a box came and a third and a fourth. The severed heads inside of them didn't matter and were purely sent to scare the shit out of me.Well,they did. Because I started to notice that these were men I have met before. Not friends. Not family but strangers I have talked to on train rides and childhood neighbors. By the tenth head in a box I received one I did care about:my mother's. I am angrier than I have ever been and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know where to go from here. The boxes stopped after that one and I hadn't heard from DH since. I named my club after him because I wanted to remember the rage and the devastation so that when I did finally get my hands on him,he wouldn't have known real pain until then.

 

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"These hallways are like railroad tunnels leading to nowhere" Benedict said. 

 

 

"I hope so. That's how I've built them. Trap doors. Secret hiding places. An exit around every junction. It's safe."

 

 

 

"You call this safe?" he scoffed.

 

 

He looked up and down the hallways,turning corners with my gun drawn up by his head like some war hero. It was humorous watching this dork shuffling down the hall like he's on some sort of mission. He is more than likely to get us killed just on the exasperated sounds coming from his mouth alone.

 

 

"Don't ever quit your day job" I laughed.

 

 

"I'll stick to the painting while you stick to the killing. Is that how it's going to go?" he asked. " I feel ridiculous. I don't think anyone's here."

 

 

"You'd be surprised what these hallways conceal." I said. I took the lead,walking swiftly ahead of him. "Stay close. You'll die without me."

 

 

"I'll die with you" he muttered.

 

 

"I thought you wanted to die. Changed your mind then?"

 

 

He was quiet,too quiet. I turned around and he had stopped. Benedict leaned against the wall. "I wanted to die" he said. "I struggle with what I wanted then and what I want now."

 

 

"Which is?"

 

 

Benedict shook his head. "To be happy."

 

 

"Happy?"

 

 

"I'm sorry. Do you not know that emotion?"

 

 

"You know,you're awfully sassy for someone not in a position to be so. You're a completely different man than when I met you."

 

 

"Different? Different how?"

 

 

"I don't know. More careless."

 

 

"You've threatened my life repeatedly. You've punched me in my face. You're the worst human being I have ever met and I hate you. "

 

 

"I am so going to enjoy killing you,Mr. Cumberbatch."

 

 

"See?" he said. "And you can keep the macho act down. We both know you won't kill me."

 

 

"Don't be so sure. I may-"

 

 

"-Shh!" Benedict said. "Do you hear that?"

 

 

I did hear it. Hushed whispers were coming from the room adjacent to us. I pulled Benedict behind a crook in the wall that would camouflage us if they walked in the other direction. It was too late to go anywhere else. The voices were growing closer and they spilled into the hall quicker than I expected. From the sound of it,I guessed that it was no more than three men. I glanced over at Benedict who was shaking like a leaf. The men paused in front of the room. They were only inches from us. I hugged the wall and moved closer so I could peek past the wall and take down the group. I felt a tug on my sleeve. Benedict was shaking his head at me but I was too slow to react and the next thing I know I am inches from the wall and the men have spotted me.

 

 

"It's him!" one shouted.

 

 

I aimed my gun at him and fired. The bullet hit him in the belly and took him down cold. I wasn't so lucky with the others. I could feel something wet and sticky clinging to my shirt. I looked down and become so woozy that I had to duck into another room for cover. I fell to the floor and felt the wound in the side of my stomach. Searing pain hit me as if someone took a hot poker to my skin. The pain made me scream out in agony. I rolled around on the floor floating in and out of consciousness. I heard gun shots but I wasn't sure if it was my imagination playing tricks on me.

 

"Tommy?"

 

Benedict's face was above me. I reached out for him but my arm fell lifelessly to the floor. He stood there looking down at me for what felt like an eternity. I was losing blood fast. I could quite literally feel the life force seeping out of me. When I thought he was going to leave me to die on the floor ,I felt his arms move underneath me. He lifted me up and carried me away like a baby. I've never felt more humiliated in my entire life.

 

"I should have killed you" was the last thing I remember him saying. 

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

When I came to I was lying across the bar with my shirt off. Bandages were covering my wound and I had a makeshift sling on my arm. I hadn't realized I had been shot in the arm too. My skin felt cold but other than that I just felt like I was recovering from the flu.

 

 

"I still think we should get him to a hospital. " Benedict said.

 

 

"No" Stanley said. " They'll come sniffing around here."

 

 

"He could catch pneumonia and die."

 

 

"And we would all pay for it. There are five dead bodies in this club right now including one of our own."

 

 

"Our own? Since when am I a part of this?" Benedict questioned.

 

 

"Since you saved my life" I said,my voice barely inaudible.

 

 

"Tommy" Mattie said. She came into my vision. She looked prettier than I've ever seen her. "How do you feel?"

 

 

"Like I got fucking shot."

 

 

"You would have died if Benedict hadn't addressed the wounds when he did. Who knew he had hospital training."

 

 

"He's a man of many talents. " I said darkly,remembering the shots that were fired without my help.

 

 

"I was at the right place at the right time" Benedict offered. "That's all."

 

 

"It really hurts" was all I could say before drifting off to sleep.


	4. Four

BENEDICT 

 

 

"Mr Cumberbatch?"

 

Out of the corner of my eye I see my neighbor from downstairs. I look at him expectantly,missing the letter hanging out of his trembling fingers. He holds it higher for me to see. I reach for it and sure enough it has my name written on it with no return address. He's looking at my appearance oddly and all I can do is nod my head in thanks and open the door to my flat. It is still at first until I hear the Jazz music dribble up through the cracks in the floorboards.

 

 

Nothing feels the same.This is my home and yet I feel so out of place.It's as if something is missing and I am aware that the only thing missing is the man I was before I walked out of this door,a man that doesn't have blood on his hands. My eyes linger down to my blood stained shirt. I sink down onto my bed and place my head in my hands. The night repeat's itself in my head until I can't brace the sight of it anymore.Flashes of blood spray and falling bodies permeate my thoughts. I won't ever be able to get the smell of gun residue out of my clothes.It's a trivial thing to think about,doing laundry,but i can't seem to let it go. I am a part of this whether I like it or not. It's all over me,in me.It's threading itself into my skin without my permission.

 

 

There is nothing better to do now than to take a bath.Maybe it will wash it all away and I can start fresh. I used to do that after every suicide attempt. I would take a hot bath,put on fresh clothes,a fresh smile,and pretend that that other life wasn't mine. Maybe it didn't work so well when I think of it. Maybe it's just me trying too hard to keep a hold of things but it helped in the moment.

 

 

I run the bath water and make it as hot as I can stand it. The tub is ancient and rusted but it will do. I fumble with the blood soaked buttons on my shirt. I peel my undershirt away and take off my pants. There is a moment where I catch my naked reflection in the bathroom mirror and I just stare at all of my imperfections. My fingers reach up to the scars on my skin. There are many slashes across my torso in shades of peach and light pink.I run my digits across the lumpy skin and I can feel the phantom pain all over again. They are from another life. They belong to another man.

 

 

I feel as if I am constantly evolving into a product of life. I am joyous when it's opportune to be,when the sun is shining in my auburn hair,and people are watching me closely. I am sad in the dark recesses of my room. I am friendly when spoken too and I am an executioner when I have no other choice. I am a secret keeper. I am many different things spread out over an abundance of time. I just wish these things didn't define me. Am I a man who pays for whores? A man with a gun? Whatever I am,I don't fucking know who I am.

 

 

I climb into the claw foot bathtub and sink down low into the water. It's searing hot and feels great on my aching body. I can see the pink threads of Tommy and those other men's blood ribbon throughout the water. It reminds of me of paint and I note to myself that I should be painting something. It's therapeutic for me to stroke a brush across canvas and with all of these emotions I need some sort of release. I tried having a sexual release but I can't see that working out so well again.

 

 

I lower myself further into the water so that just my eyes are above it. I hold my breath and count to ten. I could end it all here. I could gracefully slide into this couple inches of water and hold myself under. I could drown. Isn't that what I have been achieving to do? I don't have the penchant to die quite as much as I did a couple days ago,I'll be honest. I really feel like I want to be happy. I'm confused.I am not happy but I think the first step towards being something is to want it. I dunk my entire head underneath the water and hold my breath until I hear a waterlogged knock at my door that makes me come up gasping for air.

 

 

"One minute" I call out.

 

I am out of the tub and into a robe swiftly. I reach the door in about five strides and swing it open to find Mattie leaning against the door frame. Her clothes are changed and she has brushed her hair. There is a slight smattering of blood just under her right eye that I cannot stop staring at.

 

 

"Am I interrupting something?" She asked.

 

 

"Just having a bath" I said,rocking bath and forth on my heels. "Is everything alright? Is Tommy still..?"

 

 

"Still kicking around? Yeah,he's fine. Can I come in? I need to talk to you." she said. Her eyes stared frantically past me as if expecting me to have some unknown visitor.

 

 

"How did you know where I live?"

 

 

"Stanley told me which corner he dropped you off at. I figure you must live in one of these apartments. I knocked downstairs but I don't think he heard me." she said. "The music was really loud."

 

 

I opened my door wide enough for her to pass through. She breezed past me and sat herself down at the table where I've spent countless mornings steeped in routine.There was a nervous excitement about her that made me equally as skittish. I sat down across from her,tightening my robe. She watched my hands,her mind drifting off into another world.

 

 

"Are you alright?" I asked.

 

"I don't know" 

 

 

We sat quietly for a few moments before I got up to make her some tea. It was something my mother always did to cure me of my anxieties. If the world was going to break you down the best thing you could do was have a cuppa. I don't know the qualities of tea but I am sure it can't erase what happened tonight from our minds.

 

 

"Mattie,why did you come here?" I asked. "I don't mean to be..assertive..but given the circumstances.."

 

 

Mattie licked her lips. "I came to talk,to apologize. You weren't ever meant to get involved in any of this."

 

 

"It's not your fault" I began to say but she cut me off with her hand.

 

 

"You're going to get killed. Then it will be my fault. You're kind and I....there is something in me that wants you in a way that I'm not sure is sane. I felt it the first time I saw you" she said.

 

 

"I felt it too." I said faintly.

 

 

"I'm with Tommy."

 

" I know that."

 

"And I love him..."

 

"Okay."

 

"I am all he has"

 

"Mattie..."

 

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"I thought a girl like you didn't apologize?" I said.I gave her a genuine smile and set the cup down in front of her. " I need to talk to you about some things as well."

 

 

A dark shadow crossed her pretty face. I was starting to pay attention to things the way Tommy did. I'm a painter and so small details don't escape me but I am learning that it isn't the small details I need to see,it's the big ones. Like the way her hands clasp and unclasp with nerves,the slight way her body straightens when she knows she is being watched.

 

 

"Does Tommy know that it was you who shot those men?" I asked.

 

Mattie looked at me with the same blank expression as she did only hours before.

 

I was transported back into my memory with a flashback.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tommy was shot. I saw the bullet disappear into his flesh with a whistle. The gun in my hand felt heavy as I raised it and aimed. I closed my eyes tight and pulled the trigger.Nothing happened. When I opened them,one gentleman dived out of the way and cursed all the way to the floor. I remember the other looked like he had hit the jackpot as he marked me for death with his focus.

 

 

They say that life flashes before your eyes when you know you're going to die. I know by now that it doesn't. There were no bright lights,no angels singing. It was just me and my thoughts and maybe just a little bit of Jazz music. When I saw that the gun was pointed at me,I couldn't move. I couldn't run. I couldn't do anything but stand there and wait. I know how animals must feel. I waited and waited for the shot to come,to rest with my mother in heaven but nothing came. The man lowered his gun. I might live yet.

 

I was staring into the green eyes of Mattie before I understood what was happening. She came out of nowhere with a massive gun in her arms that she didn't have before. She brought her fingers to her lips to tell me to be quiet and then she shot through those two men. Just two shots that hit clean through their skulls. I would have been turned on if I wasn't so bloody scared.

 

Mattie vanished before I could say anything. I stood rooted to the same spot for awhile just listening to Tommy scream out in misery. I wiped away the blood on my arms and on my cheeks as if that could make the images fade.It just made them worse. It was like every bad memory of my life sprung up all at once and attacked me. I felt responsible for the blood spilled even if I wasn't the one to pull the trigger. I intended to pull it and that is all that matters.

 

I found Tommy and saved his life to redeem myself. I should have left him there to die but the humanity in me made me go to him immediately. It did cross my mind that I could shoot him and no one would know any different but I'm not that person. I may be every type of man that's convenient but I just can't be that one.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was at my flat again,back to the current time. I could tell that Mattie was with me in that flashback. We'd both been reliving them together and by the looks of it she was just as afflicted as I was about it.

 

 

" He doesn't know anything" she said after a bit. "I would like to keep it that way.I want him to keep underestimating me"

 

 

"Is that why you really came here?"

 

 

Mattie nodded. "There is a lot he doesn't need to know,a lot he can't know. He thinks of me as some timid little girl with a toy gun.It's insulting."

 

 

"How do you want people to think of you?As a killer?"

 

 

"I don't really care." 

 

 

"Is that the first time you killed..men...someone?"

 

 

"No."she said. "It's not.It won't be the last time either which is why you should get out while you can. It isn't safe here in the city"

 

 

"I might be in over my head" I joked.

 

 

"You have no idea."

 

 

I felt overwhelmed. I tried picking up my cup of tea but my hands were shaking so much that the tea spilled over the brim. Mattie placed her hand over mine to steady it. I resisted the urge to hold it,and to feel it against my cheek.

 

"I've been playing dumb,Benedict. If I don't I am as good as dead." I said.

 

 

"Is that what I should do? Play naive? I hardly think I would need to pretend"

 

 

She smiled. " I am really sorry. It's better if you just stay away from us from now on. Keep painting. Keep trying to find that realism."

 

"What if I don't want to ?" I asked.

 

 

"I'm not asking" she said,her smile fading. " This isn't your world."

 

 

"I don't even know what world I live in"

 

 

"One where you're happy." she suggested. "One where you're alive.Anyway,I should go. Tommy's been asking for me every half hour just to sit with him.He's been asking for you too"

 

 

"What did you tell him?"

 

 

"I told him you left town" she said. " As you should. I mean it when I say that it isn't safe here."

 

 

She stood up,her untouched tea rippling as her knee hit the side of the table. I stood up with her. I opened the door for her to leave. Mattie put her hand on the doorknob, and when she turned back to say goodbye to me, I grabbed her in my arms ,and kissed her gently on the lips. I didn't know why I had done it. I think I just needed the comfort of human contact.

 

 

"I'm sorry" I said as she pulled away and touched her lips. 

 

 

I was in the middle of apologizing again when she launched herself at me and kissed my open mouth. Her hands were in my wet hair,clawing at my skull,and down the back of my neck. The attraction between us was so strong that we clung to each other like magnets.It felt right to me. Her hands worked their way into my robe.She stopped when her fingers touched my scars.

 

 

"What happened to you?" she asked. Her voice held compassion that I wasn't ready to handle.

 

I choked up and couldn't get words out. She looked into my eyes and pushed her forehead against mine. Her fingers were still brushed against the raised tissue when she brought her lips down to one and kissed it. It brought chills to my arms and a pink flush to my cheeks.

 

 

" In another life" she began. "I'd have liked to have known you,Benedict. I really would."

 

"Know me in this life." I said.

 

 

Mattie pulled away. She was disoriented and breathing heavily. She wiped the taste of me off of her lips and started laughing hysterically. Nothing was funny. Not to her or to me. The whole thing was just a release for her like I needed my own release.

 

 

"It was nice meeting you" she said before backing out of the door." I hope you have a great life because you deserve it."

 

 

She was gone before I could say anything.What the hell just happened? I cleaned up the tea in a daze. I got dressed for bed without noticing that I put my pants on backwards. I could still feel her lips against mine,could still smell her sweet breath on mine. I laid down to sleep and remembered that I had gotten a letter earlier that I've yet to open. I shot up in bed,turned the light back on, and looked around at my room. Without Mattie I felt the old familiar black cloud come hang back over my head. I felt lost.

 

 

The letter lay forgotten on the table by the door. I took the creamy envelope and brought it back to my bed. I slipped my fingers underneath and teared the opening. I expected it to be some bill collector or perhaps a letter from my cousin about his new house in Surrey. He was quite proud of fixing up that house and it was like my family to rub success in my face. It wasn't any of those things. I opened up the flap to see a small gold note card and a few strands of rope. Putting the rope aside,I let the note card fall into my hands.

 

It read:

 

Benedict,stay awhile. DH

 

 

I flipped to the back to see if there was some other explanation but it was blank. I twisted the rope in my hands and tried to figure out what it all meant. When it hit me,and I mean it really hit me, I let the string fall to the floor. It wasn't just any old string,It was tied into a noose. I don't know why but I felt so sure that this was the same rope I used and when I ran over to the bin that I threw the rope out in,my rope was gone.

 

 

I stole a look around my flat. Someone's been in here.That's why it feels different. Someone got into my secure flat,stole the rope out of my bin and is now taunting me with it. I grabbed the little noose,and the note card and practically ran out of my door. Mattie wanted me out so it would be safe for me but someone is definitely making sure I can't leave.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Dark Horse was closed for renovations. At a time when the nightlife would be buzzing and the club would be soaking up profit ,it stood motionless ,and calm. I tried the front door but it was locked,of course. I went around the back and found Stanley stacking broken wood. He took in the sight of me in my pajama pants and white t-shirt.He chuckled. It was his release.

 

 

"I thought you were halfway to Ohio by now" he said.

 

 

"I would have been " I said,shaking the letter, "But someone is determined to keep me right where I am. Is Tommy here?"

 

 

"Tommy never leaves." Stanley said. "He's married to this fucking place."

 

 

"Maybe he should get a divorce. " I joked.Stanley didn't so much as crack a smile. He told me to go right in and said that Tommy had been asking for me anyway. I retraced my steps back from my first night here and found Tommy's office with no problems. This place was becoming a part of me. I felt it.

 

 

I knocked on the door. There was no answer so I let myself in. It was strange but I felt like I belonged here. As much as I didn't want to be,I was in this,and there was no going back. The atmosphere was different than the first time I came in here. On the night of my first meeting with Tommy,I was fearful of losing my life. I felt like an imposter shoving himself into a place I didn't quite fit in. But on this night I felt a kinship forming. I hated him dearly but I looked forward to seeing him. Maybe it was some kind of syndrome.

 

 

"Tommy? Hello?" I called.

 

 

Tommy came out of the bathroom. He looked at me pleadingly,his fingers trying to properly pull up his pants while his wounded arm hung limp. He looked so young and helpless standing there that his real age shined through. I grew up an only child but the instinct to protect was still inside of me.

 

 

"I'm tired of this already. Can you stop standing there and help me out,yeah?" he asked.

 

 

I went over and straightened him out. He looked tired.I felt like my face mirrored his.

 

 

"Mattie told me you fled." he said.

 

 

"I didn't."

 

 

"Are you telling me she lied to me?"

 

 

"I'm telling you she was misinformed." I said. "You know,you should be resting. You're going to pull the stitches."

 

 

"I don't care. You'll just stitch me up again,Doc. " he said. Tommy took a seat behind his desk. He clutched his side in pain. " I should be dead. I didn't get to thank you."

 

 

"You don't have to."

 

 

"I want to" he said. " I know you would love nothing more than to see me rotting six feet under. It must have been hard lugging me back to life."

 

 

"Not really."

 

 

"Why?" he asked softly.

 

 

"Why what?" 

 

 

"Why did you do it?"

 

 

I shrugged. "Do you ever think that perhaps it's because it isn't time for you to go yet?"

 

 

Tommy laughed. "And when it is time for me to go,are you going to be the one behind the trigger. I know that you killed those two men. Expertly too. Stanley told me. It's alright,Benedict. You did well."

 

 

"Thank you." I said.

 

 

"Tell me something,who the hell are you?"

 

 

"I'm nobody" I said. 

 

 

"I've heard that before" Tommy said. "Anyway,who cares? I don't. You're proven yourself to me."

 

 

"I thought you didn't trust me."

 

 

"Oh,I don't" he said,smiling. " But you're a killer and there is nothing I respect more than a killer. "

 

 

I'm not a killer,I wanted to say. The only life I want to take is my own. I don't say anything. Alternately, I take a seat in front of his desk and ask for a cigarette. I don't smoke. I don't know why I asked. I just felt like it was the sort of thing I should be doing at a time like this. Maybe that was my release.

 

 

"Why are you here?" Tommy asked,the cigarette between his lips bobbing up and down. "And in such lovely attire I might add."

 

 

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the note and little noose. I slapped them on the desk and let Tommy take a look at them both. His face fell when he saw the initials at the bottom of the gold paper. I took a drag of the cigarette,breathing the tobacco in deep. It burned my already raw lungs but it felt so good.

 

 

"Who delivered it to you?" Tommy asked,unable to tear his eyes away.

 

 

"My neighbor. He has nothing to do with it. Someone must have left it in his mailbox knowing that I would see it." I said.

 

 

"This isn't good."

 

 

"Yes,I am noticing that. I don't know who the fuck Dark Horse is but he's gotten into my flat and he's been rummaging around in my bin. He's here,Tommy. He's out there somewhere right now. He could have followed me for fuck's sake" I said. "What are we going to do?"

 

 

"Kill him."

 

 

"That plan is good and all but he's managed to slip you up time and time again,am I right? First by these men.."

 

 

"You don't know if that's connected. Plenty of people wish me dead." he said.

 

 

"Is it a coincidence then? Because that man lowered his gun" I said. "He wasn't going to kill me. He was there for you. It's all for you."

 

 

"I should feel so flattered" Tommy said. 

 

 

"He's made me a part of this." I said. "I can't go back home."

 

 

"Stay here then." Tommy looked up at me. "Fight with me. I could use you. You're smart. You can patch people up. You've got a great shot."

 

 

"You said it yourself once. It was just luck."

 

 

"If Dark Horse wants you here then let's make it so. Let him come find us and we'll be ready. I'm hoping for a war, Benedict. I'm hoping to be standing on top of a pile of bodies at the end. I want you to be standing next to me."

 

 

"Why would you want that?"

 

 

"Because you don't want the throne" he said. " A man that wants to die doesn't want to be a king,he wants to be a slave. A man like you needs a leader. Let me lead you. Let me give your pathetic life new meaning."

 

 

"Yes" I agreed.

 

 

Tommy's eyebrows raised "Well that was easier than I thought it would be."

 

 

"I've never felt more alive than I have in these last three days." I told him. "I've never felt more a part of something. My whole life has been planned,structured,roped together. I am ready for the ropes to fray. I am ready to take my life back now. I am fucking tired of having to choose between being happy and being sad. I just want some kind of absolution."

 

 

Tommy held out his hand for me to shake. I took it and gave a firm squeeze. It's like making a deal with the devil. I took one last drag on the cigarette before stamping it out in a glass ashtray. I stood up and went over to the big window that overlooked the stage. I saw Mattie by her blonde hair talking to some of the men below. As if feeling someone look at her,she looked up and saw me. Her eyes widened in alarm.

 

 

"One last thing" I said,turning back to Tommy.

 

 

"There's always one last thing. Go ahead. What is it?" Tommy sighed.

 

 

"How did Dark Horse know that I tried to hang myself with rope the night I came here..." I began"... When the only people that know I've tried killing myself are Mattie and you?"


	5. Five

MATTIE

 

 

Okay. I lied. I'm not afraid to kill a man. This ruthlessness,it wasn't always me. I was the daughter of a respectable minister and little Suzy homemaker. I went to church every Sunday. I repented for my sins. I didn't have a bad life. It was a square life with all four corners closing in around me. The kind of life with a curfew and a skirt past the knees.You can't cage a bird that wants to fly. She will always find her way to some place she shouldn't be anyway. Why stop it?The 1920's was destined to be a decade of exploration of ones self and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the only girl to miss out.

 

 

I remember the first time I killed a man. I didn't want to do it but he left me no other choice. He was going to rat on Tommy to another fucking boss man in another shitty city up the coast. It put us all in a bad situation and with my hatred of boss men,I obliged.It was a tough decision to make. It haunts me sometimes at night when I am alone because I think of the way that things could have been. I think of how I'm the one to blame for Anna's life and not Tommy. I was pregnant with Anna at the time .Knowing that I couldn't take care of her on my own,I did what Tommy couldn't. I made a choice. No one ever found out it was me. Hell,no one even suspected it. I played into my cowardly role very well.

 

 

I don't think of myself as a killer. Killers lust for blood while I lust for freedom. Freedom of boss men,of debts,and of this life I've created with all of it's sharp edges. There were others,unfortunately. Just small hits while no one was looking. Tommy's a big talker and an even worse procrastinator. Something had to be done. I wasn't going to sit around and watch my world fall to shit. I consider myself a survivalist. I am just a mother ridding the world of one less thug ,making a better one for me, and my baby girl to live in.

 

 

"Mattie? What the fuck is Tommy doing with that schmuck?" Stanley asked. "He'll never learn. That last fucker he brought into the fold sold us all out."

 

 

I know,I wanted to say. I got rid of him for you all while you just sat there on your asses sucking up all of the booze. That little cocksucker told our enemies where the shipments were coming from.He intercepted it and stole everything out from under us. Tommy said to let it go,to move on. Getting involved would dig us in deeper but the rest of us mutually agreed that letting it go would mean losing respect. Since everyone kissed Tommy's ass I arranged for him to be taken out myself. I don't have any power in this game but you'd be amazed what my face is capable of getting me.

 

 

I followed Stanley's eyes to the window. Benedict was looking back at me. I didn't expect him to have listened to me. They never do. After kissing him,an insignificant part of me wanted him to stay whether it was safe for him or not. It's ridiculous to say so but he makes me feel like I am a part of some other life. Sort of like in his eyes I can be anybody I want. I am reborn. I am not me.

 

"He's not like that" I said.

 

"They're all like that. That's not something a lady can grasp." he said. His tone was condescending and it made me resentful. Stanley is a man and Tommy trusts him with everything because he doesn't have a cunt between his legs. It's not that I wanted to be a part of Tommy's crew, I didn't,but I wanted to be recognized for all I've given up. I could have been something. I could have been someone.

 

"Not him" I said inaudibly.

 

Stanley eyed me closely. We never got along much. I think in some weird way Stanley loved Tommy and was jealous of me. There was never any bad blood between us or anything. Stanley respected that I came with Tommy as a packaged deal but there were times I felt like he was shutting me out.After all,women aren't considered a strong force in the bootlegging business and a woman with an opinion is a threat. I suppose he just dealt with me all of the time because he had to. I hate to think what he would do to me the moment Tommy decides,if ever,that I shouldn't be here. I think he's just waiting for me to slip up.

 

 

"I think Tommy wants you" 

 

 

I looked up at the window where Benedict stood moments before. Tommy replaced him,his figure bent over in pain. He motioned for me to come to him with a crook of his finger. He looked even more stressed out than when he woke up after discovering he was still alive. I went to him at once,dragging my feet the whole way. I wasn't sure how it would be in a room with both Benedict and Tommy. Tommy's smart and I'm afraid he'll smell him all over me. 

 

 

"What is it?" I asked,walking in.

 

 

"Sit" Tommy instructed.

 

 

I sat down in the chair next to Benedict and crossed my legs. If it was about the kiss Tommy wouldn't be standing so calmly,his face twisted in pain. Benedict would be dead on the floor and I wouldn't have made it as far as the steps. I glanced briskly at Benedict who refused to look at me.

 

 

"Show her" Tommy said.

 

 

Benedict handed me a gold note card. I read it and looked to both of them as if they are playing a cruel joke on me. Tommy tossed me a little rope and when I caught it I saw what it was tied into. I shrugged and placed it on my knee.

 

 

"What does the rope mean?" I asked,looking back and forth between them. "Is it some sort of threat?"

 

 

 

"To me,yes" Benedict spoke up. He looked at me then,his eyes burning into mine. I felt uncomfortable. I don't know why. He didn't look like the same gentle man that had took me in his arms only an hour previous. There was something malicious behind his scrutiny. 

 

 

"It's not safe for him" Tommy said. "He's going to stay here for awhile."

 

 

"And be what? One of us?" I scoffed. "You were trying to tear his throat out if I remember correctly."

 

 

"Things change" Tommy said. He sat down in his chair and cried out in pain. Blood had seeped through his fresh shirt leaving a red blotch.

 

 

"You're vulnerable" I told him. "You're weak. If it's numbers you need...."

 

 

"What do you know about what I need?" Tommy asked. " Last time I checked this was my club,my crew,my life. You dance. That's what you do. "

 

 

"I'm worried,Tommy.That's all" I said. I tried a kinder tone with him. Like all men,they responded to a sweet voice like a dog with it's owner. Tommy's face softened. However,Benedict's hardened even more. I have a feeling he sees right through me.

 

 

"Don't be" he said. "I'm going to catch this bastard and I am going to skin him alive. I don't need anyone's help. Benedict is here because he wants to be. Aren't you Ben?"

 

 

"I am" Benedict nodded.

 

 

"Well then you're both stupid" I said. "Dark Horse is here,Tommy. He's right here on your fucking doorstep and you are injured and Benedict is...Benedict will be another casualty..You can't afford to trust anyone."

 

 

"Not even you?" Benedict asked. 

 

 

"No" I said,honestly. "Not if you're smart."

 

 

The tension in the air was palpable. The ventilation felt stuffy and thick and hot. I shifted in the chair and crossed my legs to the other side. I didn't like the way they were both appraising me as if I held some murky secrets,as if I am the traitor,as if I am Dark Horse,and I've been fooling them all along.

 

 

"What is this really about?" I asked. "Because I get the impression that you are accusing me of something."

 

 

"I don't want to ask because I don't want to know the answer" Tommy said. "I'm tired, Mattie. It's been a really long day."

 

 

"What is it? Are you wondering if I am the Dark Horse?" I laughed. "Me?"

 

 

"You're the only one that knows that Benedict tried to hang himself." Tommy said

 

 

"You knew too,Tommy!" I said. "And anyone with eyes can see his neck."

 

 

Benedict's hand went to his neck instinctively. "If it isn't you or Tommy then who is it?"

 

 

"How should I know? I dance,remember? I don't know anything else"

 

 

"You know where I live. " he said,quietly.

 

I imagined reaching up and wrapping my fingers around his red throat. I imagined squeezing hard and seeing him gasping for air. Didn't he know that Tommy would kill us if he knew? Didn't he know what bed he was lying in? Did I? 

 

 

"Yes,how was that late night visit?" Tommy asked. "It's convenient that you show up minutes after Benedict get's a letter,begging him to stay away."

 

 

"I'm not the Dark Horse."

 

 

"Oh,I know." he said,smirking. "You're vulnerable.You're weak."

 

 

" I'm not the only one who knew where Benedict was staying. " I said. "Stanley dropped him off."

 

 

"Stanley is my right hand man." Tommy said. "Are you suggesting a betrayal?"

 

 

"I'm suggesting that you find out" I said. "There are things we must protect. If Dark Horse is really here,and if he's following our every move,we can't risk anything."

 

 

"You're right"Tommy said. "Benedict, go get Stanley."

 

 

Without a word,Benedict rose up from his chair and went to fetch Stanley. I watched Tommy intently but he was so hard to read. His face was vacant of emotion,his eyes beady,and large. There were times where I felt bad for him. I wished that I could make life different for him,like I knew he wanted,but I didn't allow myself to get so close. I cared for him but I wouldn't become attached. I love him but I don't fall any further for fear of not being able to come back. I must know what's important.

 

 

"What's going through your head?" I asked tenderly.

 

 

He shook his head. "Yesterday I was on top of the world and now I'm teetering down the ladder all because of some anonymous threat that has the power to dethrone me. This is my city. These are my people. I built this myself. Elias is dead. I am alive and I'm...I'm losing everything."

 

 

"You will get it back."

 

 

"At what price?" he asked. 

 

 

I opened my mouth to answer but Benedict and Stanley waltzed through the door. I could sense Benedict's nerves all around me. He came over and stood by my chair as if debating whether or not it was time to sit. I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him down. He looked at me gratefully. He seemed to apologize with his sad eyes and I silently forgave him.

 

 

"Are you in this? " I whispered. "Truly?"

 

 

He nodded. "There is no other place for me."

 

 

"Stanley!" Tommy said,all smiles. "Can I ask you something?"

 

 

"Sure Boss what is-"

 

 

Tommy withdrew his gun and shot Stanley point blank in the face. Benedict screamed and shielded his face from the spray of blood. I knew by now that it wouldn't help. Weeks from now he would still be finding blood in places a mirror cannot reach. You never get used to it. Not the sound or the taste of metallic on your tongue. I closed my eyes from it though. I didn't need any more dead bodies to haunt me at night. I had my fair share.

 

 

"What the fuck did you do that for?" Benedict said. He was shaking badly. I rested my hand on his shoulder and handed him some tissue to wipe the blood out of his eyes.

 

 

"You're right. I should have let you do it" Tommy said. He placed his gun on the desk and sighed.

 

 

"You could have asked him first." I said.

 

 

"He would have denied it"

 

 

"Do..." Benedict began. He tried catching his breath. "Do..you..really think..that Dark..H-h-horse would be working right under your nose like..this? It's a..little..too obvious,yes?"

 

 

"You'd be surprised" I said. "People come and go all of the time. We can never be sure."

 

 

"Who cares?" Tommy asked. "That's one less person I have to worry about."

 

 

"Are you going to do that to me one day?" Benedict asked.

 

 

"There are far worse punishments if you'd like" Tommy said.

 

 

"No thanks" Benedict said before leaning over and vomiting all over the floor.

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

 

 

Benedict opened his eyes and looked around the car disoriented. He blinked a few times before steadying his eyes on me in the drivers seat. I smiled at him and patted his knee. While he was out cold,I had taken to cleaning him up a bit. It was still late at night but the city comes alive at four a.m. and no one needed to see him covered in vomit and blood.

 

 

"What happened?"

 

 

"After you puked all over the floor you passed out in your own vomit. Do you pass out like that a lot?" 

 

 

"Sometimes" he said. "I did a lot when I was a teenager My mother took me to a neurologist but everything showed up fine. I took different anxiety medications and that helped for awhile but they started making me depressed. I stopped taking them a couple years ago. That's probably the moment I gave up on life...Where are we going?"

 

 

"My house" I said.

 

 

" I thought I was staying at the club."

 

 

"Benedict,why did you come back?" I asked,changing the subject. I am unable to keep it inside of me any longer.

 

 

"The note"

 

 

"Would you have come back if you didn't get that note?"

 

 

"I don't know." he said. "I thought about what you said,about running. I'm so tired of running from things. I want to face them straight on. If I am going to die,I might as well die standing up for something. I don't want to be just another name on a grave marker. I want to be something. Can you understand that?"

 

 

"I can. A little too well." I said, "We all just want to be someone."

 

 

"You're someone" he said.

 

 

" To whom?"

 

 

"To me" he said. "Look,I'm sorry but I like you. I shouldn't apologize for it to you. I like you. I think about kissing you every time I see you."

 

 

"Kissing me,huh? Why the death stare earlier?"

 

 

"Because I am not sure if you want to kiss me too or kill me."

 

 

"A little bit of both."

 

 

Benedict leaned his head up in mock horror which made me laugh deeply. He smiled and closed his eyes. I thought he had drifted off to sleep but then I felt his flushed fingers curl around mine. It was so brief that when I went to react he had removed them.

 

 

"Benedict" I murmured. "We're here."

 

 

He leaned his head and looked up at my dilapidated ocean front house. It sat on a sandy pebbled beach where the sound of waves lapping at the shore lulled you to sleep. It was so old that the paint on the side was peeling and the siding was missing in places. It's a terrible house with a beautiful view. It sits like a lone cavity in a mouth where every surrounding tooth is perfect and white.It's an embarrassment.

 

 

"I'm sorry that is isn't an English cottage on the seaside or anything."

 

 

"It's great,Mattie.Really. " he said. He stumbled out of his door and reached mine before I could open it. Like a gentleman,he held out his hand for me to get out. It was unusual gesture to accept for me but I graciously bowed like some shitty princess.

 

 

"I'm still mad that you came back" I blurted.

 

 

"I'm not" he said,his mouth tilting into a smile. Benedict leaned in to kiss me but I stopped him. "What is it?"

 

 

"We can't." I said. "I don't know about you but I don't want to die. I have something to live for."

 

 

"What's that?"

 

 

I took Benedict's hand and led him inside of the dark house. We tip-toed quietly up the old staircase. I pushed open the door to my daughters room and stood while Benedict's eyes adjusted to the dark. The light from the moon illuminated Anna's bed. When he saw her,his eyes enlarged.

 

 

"Her name is Anna" I said. "She's my daughter. She is Tommy's daughter. We never told anyone because if the Dark Horse found out he would murder her. She is all I have,Benedict. She is everything to me."

 

A peculiar look came upon Benedict's face. It was one of utter shock but there was something else,something more sinister. It was my imagination twisting his features in the dark,I'm sure, but it scared me beyond belief. 

 

"I'll protect her" he said. "I will protect you both with my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be back writing on Tuesday :)


	6. Six

TOMMY -Three months later

 

 

It's November.It will be 1924 in two months time. I will face a new year with new business partners and ventures that will make me richer. I am on my way to becoming notorious in the state of New Jersey among my enemies.The feds are riding my ass all the way through the muck which is fine because I'm clean. They can talk all they want and search through all of the boards but I've hidden my operation well from prying eyes.What can be brought to the light will surely fail in a court of law. They've stopped trying so hard,stopped needling me. Meanwhile,I sit with my feet atop my desk ,breathing in all of the newly minted money coming my way. It's a good life.

 

"Tommy,the boys are here." said my servant and by servant I mean none other than Benedict. How a man with a death wish managed to survive so far astounds me. He's outlasted my closest friends and I don't trust him for all he's worth (which is absolutely fuck all)

 

 

"What are you wearing?" I asked.

 

 

"A suit" he says,smoothing out the noticeable wrinkles.

 

 

"Tuck your shirt in. Look at the state of you.You look like a farm animal." I said. "Jesus Christ. You look like you've been dipping into the product. Pull yourself together."

 

 

"I'm sorry" he said. He fidgeted around with his shirt,tucked it into his waist and straightened his tie. "Anna is sick and Mattie.."

 

 

"..Mattie can take care of her own fucking kid.Your job is to make sure they don't die. I don't keep you over there so you can play house all day." I said 

 

 

"I'm not playing house." Benedict said.

 

 

"You're not her father. I am." I snapped.

 

 

"Okay" he said. He held his hands up in truce. This always irritates me because I want my men to be raging. I want my men violent. Benedict's been playing nanny more often these days when he should be serving my greater needs.

 

 

"This is what you wanted." I reminded him." You came to me remember?"

 

 

"I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again,boss" he said.

 

 

"Good. Where are they? Downstairs?" I asked.Benedict nodded. I threw on my suit jacket and buttoned it up. He came up behind with a comb for my hair. I combed it through and tossed it back at him. A boss has to not only be the part but look it as well and I'm determined to make good first impressions everywhere I go. 

 

A war is coming. I can feel it. I don't think the Dark Horse is departed from this life. It's been too hushed these last three months. My shipments go to and fro unharmed,Rothstein in New York and Torrio in Chicago have been compliant with me,and even sometimes a little too welcoming. There has been little death in the area and no heads in boxes which is fine by me just as long as I stay alert.

 

 

"Where is Mattie,anyway?" I asked. I ask not because I care nor need her but every time I inquire about my lovely girlfriend,Benedict's reaction fuels me. I suspected him to have a little crush on her all this time but he's getting better at hiding it. 

 

 

"How should I know?"

 

 

"You're with her every waking moment."

 

He knows I am playing him. He doesn't give in which is something I quite like. It's not any fun when they don't play along. I find myself bored after awhile but Benedict has been keeping me on my toes for the last three months with his rumpled shirts and shifting attitude. He hasn't completely turned into the stone cold bastard Stanley was,he has too much compassion for that ,but he's working towards becoming a lot more grittier.

 

 

We stare each other down in quiet amusement. He understands that being with Mattie positively means death while he's under my wing in the same way that he understands that the only way you leave my service is in a body bag. It's precarious of me to think that for one second he wouldn't fuck her behind my back and I'll be none the wiser. 

 

 

"Time to go,Mr.Cumberbatch"I said,placing my hat on top of my head. " Time to learn what the big boys trade."

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

There were crates of it.So many that a junkie would gratefully kneel at my feet for just a small taste,a short line,and perhaps a quick kiss of death. I've never been into drugs myself. It's not that I frown upon it. I don't judge. but I like to keep my eyes ignorant and my wallet wide open.

 

 

"This is where the money's at. Can you smell it?" I asked to no one in particular.

 

 

The crates are packed with straw and fruit. I dig deep underneath and pull out brown wax papered packages tied with string. Each brick is heavy and the powder loosens from the folds and flies into the air. There are over ten bricks in each crate or as I look at it,ten piles of cash waiting for me. From here they will go to distributers and straight into the arms of upper class Jersey debutantes while their husbands work furiously to keep their houses. Maybe it will slip into the veins of my adversaries and they'll blunder into a sugary coma.

 

 

"This is heroin?" Benedict said. He ran his thumb over the packages and shivered. "I can't imagine what makes a person turn to this."

 

 

"Can't you?" I asked. " We all choose our poisons,so to speak. Some kill more quickly than others while some take a lifetime to destroy us."

 

 

"What's your poison? What destroys you?"

 

 

"That is a conversation for another time" I said. I placed the brick of heroin back into the crate " In all honesty,I haven't really thought about it.I'll tell you when I do"

 

 

"Tell him what?" Mattie asked. Both of us turned around to see her standing there,arms folded to her chest,a surreptitious smile on her lips.

 

 

I can feel my good mood escaping me. Since Stanley's death,Mattie has been disagreeing with me on every little thing. She didn't want to get involved with the heroin business. She wanted to cut and run while we had a chance to start life over. She kept pushing me and pushing me just to try and break me but I don't easily bend.It's as if she thinks that the power is hers and not mine,as if she's my reason for living when I look at her and feel mentally tired. Asking Benedict to babysit her might as well have been the smartest thing I've done yet.

 

 

"Nothing,dear" I say. She makes a show of walking over towards me and kissing me full on the lips. I don't kiss her back,just let her snake her hands around my neck. I am running out of people I call my own.

 

 

"How is Anna?" Benedict asks. "How is her fever?"

 

 

"It's going down. Sam is with her now." she says. "She wants to know where her Benny Bear went."

 

 

Benedict smiled. I scowled. Anna is mine. Anna is my own flesh and blood. She looks like me. Mattie informs me that she is starting to show signs of aggression just like her daddy. I dream of a time when I can swoop right in and save her from everything and she will appreciate me like I deserve as her one and only father.

 

 

"I'll be home soon" Benedict said.

 

 

"Home?" I questioned

 

Benedict didn't speak. Mattie rolled her eyes and kissed my cheek. She excused herself and went to the back of the stage. The silence was awkward as hell. I slammed the lid on top of the crate.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was miles away when I remembered those earlier events. I slammed my dick harder into the girl underneath me. She screamed out in ecstasy with each tempered thrust.Her hands clutched my waist as I buried myself deeper and deeper into her. I banged my hand against the wall,and growled from the pit of my belly. I didn't drop out of the memory until her balmy fingers reached up to touch my cheek. She held my eye contact as I came within her,my body trembling inside of her. I pushed off and slumped down onto the mattress. I immediately lit up a cigarette like the walking cliche I am. She leaned her naked body over mine and stole one from my pack.

 

 

"Where do you go?" she asked,settling herself against the headboard.

 

"I'm sorry?"

 

"Where do you go when you're with me?" she asked. "You're not here.What goes on in that head of yours?"

 

 

"Too much" I answered.

 

She stroked my hair and brought her hand to my neck. She massaged the stress right out of me. I felt so relaxed that I leaned against her and shut my eyes. My gun was out of sight. I was completely vulnerable and yet I felt comfortable in her arms. She began to sing softly and play with my hair.When I felt like I was being lulled to sleep, her voice broke my fatigue.

 

 

"You're better than she is,you know"

 

"Who,darling?"

 

 

"You know who" she whispered. " She shouldn't be in your life if she causes you that much stress."

 

 

"What do you know about my life?" I asked,defensively. "We fuck. We fuck well but that's all this is."

 

 

"Then why are you crying?" she asked.

 

 

I was suddenly aware of the tear cooling itself on my cheek. I brought my hand up to wipe it away but she beat me to it,leaned down,and kissed it off. I should have felt silly and embarrassed but it was quite the opposite with her.She made me feel as if being myself was okay. I didn't have to apologize for anything.

 

 

"It's okay,baby" she said,pulling me closer. "We don't have to be who we are inside of these walls. You don't have to be Mr. tough guy all of the time and I don't have to be...."

 

She didn't complete the sentence but I knew what she was going to say. I met Faith six weeks ago now. I knew women like her well enough to know when they're fed up with their marriages. She was in the club on the dance floor when I first laid eyes on her. She knew I was watching her,her halo of fiery red hair lighting up the faces around her. I felt lust instantly rising from within me at the sight. I thought of ways to caress that milky skin,take her pillowy body into my hands and mold her. It didn't take long for us to come together and it took even shorter for her to become my mistress. I've never had a mistress. I have been faithful to Mattie this whole time but I needed Faith when I found her and I've never looked back.

 

 

"..We can be anyone we'd like " Faith said after awhile.

 

"What do you want to be?" I found myself asking." If you could turn back the clock.Hypothetically."

 

"Single." she said,smiling. 

 

"That easy,huh?"

 

"It's not though" Faith said. "I married too young and to the wrong man all because he said he loved me.I'd have gotten out earlier if he wasn't such a good father to our children."

 

 

"Do you love him?" I ask although I already know the answer. She doesn't. She loves dancing. She loves losing herself in the sheets of others but she does not love the man that loves her. She can barely look at him and all he has become in age.

 

"Do you love her?" Faith asks.

 

"I always have"

 

"The less you tell me about her,the more that I hate her." she laughed. "I seen her. She's pretty. She dances well. I bet her body moves in ways mine never could."

 

 

I looked over at her. She's beautiful and when she is in public all of the men drool over her quite like they do when they watch Mattie. Only men dream of taking Faith and marrying her,dressing her with diamonds in exchange for good conversation and..well..faith. Men only dreamed of fucking Mattie into the mattress.

 

 

"She's alright" I said. "She asks too many questions and I think she's fucking the help."

 

 

"That man that's always with her?"

 

 

"You're very observant." I eyed her cautiously.

 

 

"I'm protective of you. There is a difference. If I couldn't touch you,Tommy,I don't know what I would do. You'll drive a girl crazy before I'm finished with you."

 

 

"And when will that be? When will you be finished with me?"

 

 

Faith swung her leg over and straddled me. " Whenever you decide you don't want me anymore."

 

 

"I don't think that's possible."

 

 

She smiled big. "I like spending time with you too. You don't speak much but what you say with your eyes makes all of that up. You aren't as bad as you think you are."

 

 

"I am trying" I breathed into her mouth when she leaned into kiss me. 

 

"You're trying to be king" Faith said,pulling back. "But you don't realize that you are already a king."

 

 

I left Faith's feeling every bit the smug bastard. It felt glorious having someone by my side that understood me and didn't question what I already knew about myself. I went to her to clear my head and what I always came back with made it all worth it.I smiled genuinely for the first time in months.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I drove to Mattie's house. I meant to. I started driving,my mind drifted off,and I found myself there in no time with my car at the edge of the beach. I parked and got out,the darkness swallowing me up. I leaned against the car and waited for Benedict to come greet me which he did. He was always on the lookout for a threat that never would come. I wondered if he sensed my threat.

 

"Is everything okay,boss?" he asked,jogging up to me. "Is the heroin...?"

 

 

"The Heroin is fine." I said,my voice sounding more cold than I meant it to "How is everything here? Are you playing daddy again?"

 

 

"No I'm-"

 

I cracked a smile. "Where's Mattie?"

 

 

"Inside. Do you want me to get her?"

 

 

"No" I shook my head. "I want to keep this between men. There's something I need you to do for me Benedict."

 

 

"Okay. I'll do it."

 

 

"Right now"

 

 

"Right this second?"he asked. I could tell that he wanted to oppose me but thought better of it. "Of course. Right now. I'll go tell Mattie I'm going."

 

 

"That won't be necessary" I said. "Get in the car. We're going to meet someone."

 

 

The confusion on Benedict's face was how I felt deep inside. I didn't know where I was going with this anymore than he did. Before I came here I called Faith's husband and told him to meet me at a dock just miles from this house. I told him I had some information on his wife to which he gladly obliged. He was gullible enough to think nothing of the fact that our meeting was in a place secluded from the rest of the world..at night..with a strange man whose English accent sounded preposterously chipper.

 

 

We almost made a clean getaway before Mattie came running out of the house in an nightgown. She stood in front of the car,the headlights glaring in her face and highlighting the shape of her scantily clad body.I could see her naked body through the sheerness very thoroughly.

 

"Steady" I said to Benedict. " I would hate for something bad to happen to you."

 

 

Benedict stared at me. Mattie came around to my window and opened the door.

 

"Where are you going?" she asked. She was irritated and it pleased me greatly.Play along. Keep playing right into my hands,baby.

 

 

"Out." I said.

 

"I'm coming with you" she said. Mattie jumped in the back seat before I could deny her. It didn't bother me. It felt right.

 

 

We made it to the dock in under ten minutes. Faith's husband,Simon,was waiting for us in the fog. The scene looked a lot more eery than it felt. To me,it felt like we were all in the wrong place at the wrong time with neither of us quite knowing why.

 

"Are you the man on the phone?" Simon asked upon seeing Benedict.

 

"I am" I said. I stepped up and shook his hand. "Do you have somewhere to be? You look nervous."

 

 

"I have a family" was all he said.

 

 

I smiled. "You did."

 

Mattie was the first one to realize what was going on. She cursed "Jesus fucking Christ" in the back of me. Her voice sent tingles all up my spine. She wasn't meant to be here for this but I wanted her to see it more than anyone. When Benedict perceived what was happening,the energy changed into something dark. Simon shifted from one foot to the other,his eyes bulging in their sockets.

 

 

"How many?" Mattie asked. "How many until you're satisfied?"

 

 

"I'm never satisfied." I mumbled. "If I was I wouldn't be here right now. It has to be done."

 

 

"What has to be done?" Simon asked.

 

"Your wife" I said. "She sends her regrets."

 

"My wife?" Simon asked. "My wife is home with our children. I don't understand."

 

 

"Tommy"Mattie said. She tugged on my sleeve as I brought my gun out and pointed it at Simon's chest. Simon shrieked.If we weren't miles from civilization the whole neighborhood would be out. I yanked my arm away from her and kept it on Simon.

 

"This isn't a game" Benedict said.

 

"Isn't it? Kill before you're killed. What better way to live..or die..doesn't matter to me." I said.

 

"Please don't kill me" Simon said. He dropped to his knees and started crying. I was reminded of my tears earlier.It enraged me. A king didn't like to be reminded of his weaknesses.

 

"Oh,I'm not" I said. I handed the gun to Benedict. "He is. "

 

"No" Benedict said. "I'm not going to do it."

 

"Fine" I said. I went over to Simon and handed him the gun. He took it and aimed it at Benedict with a shaky hand. "That's it,Simon. Know your enemy. I'm clearly the one that dragged you out of here and yet you've got the gun on Benny Bear over here. Smart boy."

 

"Why are you doing this?" Mattie asked.

 

"Because I am a king" I spat. "Now Simon,you can kill or be killed. Your choice."

 

"Don't" Benedict said. "Simon,you're better than this. You don't have to be that person."

 

"I.."Simon began to say. He started to cry again,his wails being carried away with the wind.

 

"It's a simple choice. Follow the rules,play the game or you die." I said. "It's up to you. Tell me,Simon.What would you do to the man that fucked your wife? Would you kill him or would you sit back and let him continue pounding her even though you knew."

 

"I am not fucking him" Mattie yelled. "Jesus,Tommy. Is that what this is about?"

 

"What would you do Simon?" I said, ignoring Mattie. "You seem like an intelligent family man. Would you take back what's yours? "

 

 

A shot rang out,it's echo muffled by the sounds of the ocean. Simon lay flat on the dock,blood spilling out of his head,dripping through the cracks. Mattie held a gun in her hand. It was still smoking. She lowered it and fixed me with a smoldering stare.

 

"We aren't fucking,Tommy" she said. She lowered the gun and placed it back into her waist. " Believe it or not,Benedict is actually a gentleman. You could learn a thing or two from him."

 

She walked back to the car and slammed the door. The realization hit me as metal clanged against metal,as the waves washed upon the dock,pulling Simon's blood to the sea. I looked at Benedict's face.It wasn't horrified. There was no gasp,no heaving. He was just blank and completely aware that he could have died tonight and that I meant for him to die.

 

"It wasn't you that saved my life" I said. "Was it?"

 

No answer.

 

"Was it!?" I yelled louder.

 

"No" Benedict said. "All of this time and you still doubt how much she cares about you. While she's sat around thinking of ways to save your operation,secure your future,you're off making imaginary stories and fucking married women."

 

 

"If you talk to me like that again.." I said to Benedict's back as he walked away.

 

He swung back around. "You'll what? Kill me? You look at me like I'm a pussy because I can't pull the trigger but look at you now. You can't even look me in the eye and kill me and do you know why, Because I do?"

 

"Shut up." I said through gritted teeth.

 

"You don't want your daughter to one day see the monster that you actually are." he said. "You want to keep playing games,that's fine,but I'm playing back now,Tommy. Whatever you have coming at me now,I'm hitting back."


	7. Seven

BENEDICT

 

You are not a victim. You are not a victim. I tell myself this frequently as my fist pounds into the punching bag,it's chains rattling my teeth. I've been working out a lot recently to fill the time waiting for something good to happen in Atlantic City.You would think running schemes would keep me fit but it's only a waiting game full of greasy poker games and bottles of bathtub gin. I've never had to partake in exercise since my body stays naturally thin but I'm consumed with my wish to fight back a little harder now.

 

 

The chain hangs from the ceiling.It swings back and forth like a pendulum. It reminds me of a past life which in actuality wasn't long ago. Seeing something lingering within my reach would once upon a time trigger me but now it makes me push harder. I hit the bag with speed. I feel the muscles in my chest tighten as I swing from left to right,my fist making the bag concave.It feels so good.It's much better than sex or at least the sex I've been having lately (A hooker here. A hooker there)

 

Throughout all of the changes in my life at the moment the only thing that has remained the same is my numb sex life. I am not as wide-eyed as I once was. I play naive to Tommy-I learned it from the master,Mattie- but I can read him better now. I can gauge his reactions easily.I can play right into his game without him actually knowing that I'm one step ahead of him.He's getting softer and he himself doesn't seem to notice or care. He feels too relaxed in his chair,too invincible,when it's been the opposite.I feel something coming up on us fast and it's more angrier than ever.

 

 

I steady the bag and lean my forehead on it. It feels cool to the touch. I'm so tired all of the time but I need to keep proving myself otherwise I will fail.I want Tommy to think I am the lowest I can get before I spring back up and strike him when he least expects or before he strikes me first. I wipe the sweat from my brow and leave the bag swinging from the ceiling.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"You look good,Benedict,but you're letting the suit wear you. You need to let it know whose body it's on."

 

 

"That sounds ridiculous."

 

"It is ridiculous but that's the point.You all think women cluck about with their clothes but if it isn't starched to absolute perfection you men throw a hissy fit. You want to look like you belong even if you don't.You want to command attention when you walk into a room. What you don't want to be is wrinkled furniture."

 

"Mattie,how do you know all of this?" I asked,stepping out from behind the curtain in her bedroom. I was shirtless.I relished the way her eyes flickered across my chest and brought themselves up to my eyes with a resounded sigh.

 

"My grandfather. He wanted me so badly to be a boy, I guess.He taught me everything about what it takes to be a man" she said.

 

"Enlighten me."

 

"About what it takes?"

 

I nodded. She handed me a pristine white button up shirt. I slipped it on. When I went to button it,her fingers slipped underneath my arms. She buttoned them up slowly,her fingertips grazing my skin. It brought chills to my spine.

 

"A man.."she began. "..Doesn't take no for an answer. A man doesn't ask.A man takes."

 

 

"Maybe I don't want to be a man." I said.

 

Mattie released me and stood back to get a better look at her handiwork. A satisfied smile danced across her lips.I wished I could read her mind in times like this but I realize that it wouldn't be as fun to know what a girl like Mattie is thinking. As if she's had a stroke of genius, she raises her hand to her mouth ,and says "of course!". I watch her run out of her room and hear her footsteps disappear into another. She comes back holding a gorgeous dark blue jacket with ornate gold buttons in the shape of little birds.

 

"It was my fathers" she said. "He was a little smaller than you but it should mold to your body perfectly."

 

 

"Are you sure?" I asked,taking it into my hands. It was soft and well kept. I remember her telling me that they were going to bury him in it but they cremated him instead. It was his favorite jacket and still hung in the closet in exactly the same place he left it.

 

"Put it on" she said impatiently.

 

 

I slid it on,feeling it tight against my shoulders. She was right. It was small but it was a nice fit. I moved my arms back and forth and when the seams didn't bust,I knew that it would do just fine.The mirror told a tale of a well dressed man whose importance is deceiving.

 

"Do I look the part?" I asked. I gave her a little spin that made her laugh.

 

"It will hold you over for now. I'll set you an appointment for the shop Tommy goes to. They're expensive but worth it." she said.

 

I could afford it. I scraped by my entire life,watching my mother work countless jobs in order to give me a good life. I never did get that good life but I'm doing well for myself right now. I want for things money can't buy but I am okay. I'm better than okay. 

 

"Thank you" I told her. "For helping me."

 

Mattie shrugged." Don't worry about it. I understand that it's time to be what we really are now that everything is out in the open."

 

I agreed. Tommy now knows what Mattie did that night and all of the things that Mattie has done. He is aware that I am not the feeble idiot he first met and that this life has hardened me. I wanted him to be pissed off about it. I wanted him to rip the sinews out of my arms but he walked away before I could say another word and hasn't spoke a word about it since.

 

 

"I still don't know what I am" 

 

"I do." she said without hesitating. 

 

The sexual tension between us charged the air. It always did. I could feel heat rising up my body,feel things within me stirring. Her gentle eyes would lock onto mine and I was gone from this world. I wanted to touch her but there was never a chance that I could take. People were always watching us even if they couldn't see us, and even if they weren't ,Mattie shut it down the moment one of us began to give in to the lust.There's no doubt that we both wanted each other. We are not physically fucking as Tommy thinks but we're emotionally fucking and that's ten times as worse.

 

When she asked me to watch over her life three months ago,I never thought I would have gained both a job and a family.I earned a lot of money but there is nothing more amazing to receive than a new life. I didn't take it for granted either. I had my room set in Mattie's house away from everyone. I stepped into the role of friend,brother,and this role with Mattie that neither of us can explain. I was alone before this but I couldn't feel less alone now. I am home,truly.

 

 

"Do you want to learn how to shoot a gun?" she asked. It was just another way of her dodging what's happening between us. I didn't mind. I wasn't half the man I wanted to be for her just yet.

 

"I know how to shoot it. I just have trouble...shooting it."

 

 

"You have to have hate in your heart" Mattie said.

 

"I can think of a few people I hate" I said.

 

"Dark Horse?"

 

"Dark Horse is dead" I said.

 

"You don't really believe that. Do you?" She asked.

 

"I don't think I do,no."

 

She smiled. "So,why do you think Tommy is so comfortable with believing so?"

 

"He's scared" I said.

 

"Because you can't kill a ghost" she said." You can't kill something that doesn't exist."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

Mattie sauntered over to her bed and stretched out across it like a cat.I sat down beside her and let her rest her head in my lap.I tried to think of disturbing thoughts so I wouldn't be turned on by having her face so close to my groin.

 

"What if none of it was real? What if it's been Tommy from the start. It makes sense. Elias may have been Tommy's mentor but he treated him like shit. Tommy was nothing more than a little boy in a man's world. He wanted more,he ached for more. What if he was the one that killed Elias?"

 

 

"And killed his mother?" I asked,skeptically.

 

 

"That's far fetched.I agree on that but Tommy never struck me as a momma's boy." Mattie said. "I mean their relationship was okay ,in my opinion, but maybe it wasn't exactly how he has told us. And he would have to make an impact in order to keep the heat off of him. Think about it. It's a perfect plan. He get's the throne with no one suspecting him. Then he get's a career making himself out to be the hero the entire time by creating a character that no one has ever actually seen."

 

 

"Long live the king" I muttered.

 

"Exactly. I don't want it to be true but the more I think about it,the more I can't get it out of my head. I've known Tommy for a really long time but I don't think anyone really knows him at all. He may be the one running this thing and we are all along for the ride and there aren't any stops to get off. This is it,Benedict. This is why I didn't want you getting involved."

 

"We can't go accusing him of anything."

 

"We won't. I want you to keep it in your mind the next time you threaten him." she said. 

 

"I can handle myself." I said,not really believing it.

 

"Sure but can you handle Dark Horse?" she asked.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"You look different."

 

Tommy appraised me as I entered the empty club. There were more crates of Heroin scattered across the table and the girls were practicing their dance on stage without Mattie. He turned back to counting the stacks of money laid out on the table before him.My image of the twenties in America would forever be of counting things and killing things. I took a seat across from him and unbuttoned my jacket. 

 

 

"I'm going to ask you this once,Benedict" Tommy spoke softly. "Are you fucking my girl?"

 

 

"No" I said. "And I am tired of this question."

 

"Do you want to?" he asked. He looked up at me,his eyes resembling that of a man who knows he is getting weaker or maybe I am just seeing things.

 

"Yes."

 

"I know."

 

"Then why are you asking?"

 

"I need to hear it for myself." he said. "I have been cheating on her with someone. Her name is Faith. That man Mattie killed was her husband. She doesn't know he's dead. I left a note in her house,a goodbye note but she isn't stupid. She will know it's from me."

 

"Why are you telling me this?"

 

"Because I need you to kill her."

 

"I'm not-"

 

"-oh you will" Tommy said. "Don't mistake whatever I am going through for weakness.My appetite is just fine. Let me break it down for you in ways you will understand. Faith is going to go to the police .Every trace of his death will lead to our dear Mattie. You love her. I know you do because I've had that same stupid fucking look on my face for years. She's playing you. She is playing all of us."

 

"That's funny. That's what she said about you." I said.

 

Tommy smiled impishly.He didn't care what anyone thought of him and he wasn't going to start now. What Mattie said about him made a lot of sense to me but this was not the face of a sane man. I can't think for one second that someone as impatient and trigger happy as Tommy could be Dark Horse. No,DH was calculating to the point of perfection. DH was bloody brilliant.Who else could invoke such fear after being presumed dead? I felt fear for something waiting in the shadows and this man isn't it.

 

"What do you believe?" Tommy asked. "Since you stepped into this glass cage,what do you believe? "

 

"I believe you're losing your mind"I said." I believe you knew that Dark Horse wasn't Stanley but you killed him just so you can feel important. You know that he's out there waiting for a moment to muck everything about while you sit on your piles of cash twiddling your thumbs. I believe that you will lose."

 

"Okay" Tommy said. "Can I tell you what I believe in?"

 

"I'm all ears" I said. I am irritated beyond all belief.

 

"I believe you're a fucking liar."

 

"I'm sorry?"

 

"You haven't painted one thing since you've been here. I had my friends check out your name and guess what? Benedict Cumberbatch doesn't exist." Tommy said. 

 

There was a silence so deep my thoughts couldn't penetrate it. The music the girls were dancing too had stopped and they had gone. It was just me and Tommy in the club separated by a small table and a lot of constriction.I had been waiting a long time for these things to come up,so long It feels as If I've been holding my breath for months. 

 

 

"It's not what you think" I said,holding up my hands.

 

"What am I meant to think? You show up here out of the nowhere like a victim and-"

 

"-I'm not a victim!" I bellow. Before I know it,my hand swings out and knocks everything off of the table and onto the floor. Tommy jumps back and I jump up in surprise at myself. "I am not a victim" I say again more calmly.

 

Before I can control myself, I am stripping off the jacket ,and chucking it aside. Tommy watches me curiously but doesn't interrupt. I rip open the white shirt. Buttons fly everywhere but he doesn't notice. When he sees my bare chest,my scars getting pinker because of the lighting,he stares unabashedly.

 

"I was a cop" I said. I let the information sink into his brain before I continued. 

 

 

"A cop who can't shoot?"

 

 

"I had a desk job" I said. "And I can shoot. I prefer not to.I paint in my free time but my real occupation back home was as a detective. Small stuff. Things that didn't matter on the grand scale of things but I suppose lunacy doesn't matter if you're big city or not. There was a man whose wife was accidentally gunned down by one of my colleagues way before I came onto the job. It was a quiet morning,the type of morning where you can hear blood rushing through your veins but it was always quiet out there. That man came in. No one recognized him. He gunned down the entire place..everyone..there were bodies everywhere. I can still smell the blood. It was dark and I was crawling on the floor when he found me.I was calling out my mother's name when he turned me over. I thought he was going to kill me but instead he tied me to a chair and cut me up for hours like a butcher to a pig. He let me live. Not as a favor but as a reminder to everyone.That very night was the first time I tried to kill myself....."

 

"Jesus" Tommy whispered.

 

"I didn't deserve to live. I didn't have a child. I didn't have a wife. I had nothing at the start and I had nothing at the end." I said.

 

 

"New Jersey seems like an unlikely place to find something."

 

 

"Oh,I don't know. It's not so bad." I said. 

 

"Right." Tommy said. "It's paradise"

 

 

I put my shirt back on." There you have it. I'm not a painter. My name is not my name." I said. I slung my jacket over my shoulder and began to walk off but Tommy placed his hand on my chest and stopped me." What else do you want from me?"

 

 

"I want you to have a little Faith" he said. He placed a gun out for me to take.

 

 

I took the gun without saying anything. I shoved it roughly in my pocket. Tommy smiled and let me go.

 

 

"Ben" he called out as I began walking away. "What happened to that man? What became of him?"

 

 

I turned around. "I found him weeks later hiding out in a country house miles from my home. I shot him dead."


	8. Eight

MATTIE

 

It's Winter where the snow covers the ground in blankets and my bones can be heard shaking in the still of night. Lips are blue,skin is translucent,and veiny. No matter how much you cover up ,the frost still bites you, and the winter flu chases you down. I hate winter but not for those reasons. In the summer the boards are alive with beating hearts ,and blinking eyes ,but in the winter it's as empty as eye sockets. There is beauty to be had here like a postcard picture depicting a life that doesn't really exist.But in the winter life pauses and the things that happen,it's as if they don't really happen at all.

 

 

In our snow globe of a winter wonderland,my brother,and I sit on the living room floor of our house. It's late at night and we are wrapping a few Christmas presents for Anna.It's still too early for Christmas but it's easier to get a jump on things before my other life becomes crazier. 

 

 

Sam can sense my unease,the restlessness that's been plaguing me ever since Benedict came to me with Tommy's request. I worry a lot about him and lately he has been staring off into the distance as if answers await him. It wasn't until he sat me down and told me about his past that I was finally able to understand him. We're all killers here and we are all troubled but Benedict's innocence was stolen from him.Once you taste blood lust it never leaves you. There was never any hope for him the day I met him. He was always going to be just as dead as the rest of us.

 

 

"Are you okay? You have goosebumps all up your arm" My brother asked. He ran his fingers over the raised skin.I pulled my arm instinctively away.

 

 

"Do you ever get this sense of foreboding? Like awful things are coming and you can't do anything about it?" I asked.

 

"Every day since dad died."

 

 

Talking about our father's death usually brought Sam and I to a stand still. It was fresh in our hearts and even more recent pressed inside of our brains. I knew he was old enough to handle himself but I worried more about what happened to me since I have more things to lose. However,bringing up our father brought to light a lot of new feelings.

 

 

No one could ever fill my fathers shoes.There will never be a more intelligent,kind,man to step foot in my life.That was something I could accept or at least I thought I did. Benedict's natural reaction to things is to cower and run but not with me,not with us. It was he who took charge,who jumped in front of us whenever the house creaked at night. He took control from me,took the burden off of my back. He echoes every male positive my father was. I believe we needed him.

 

 

"But it's gotten easier" Sam finished. He was talking about Benedict. He didn't need to say his name. Sam was fond of Ben from the start. He thought of him as a brother to annoy and a friend to chatter on about the girls in school.

 

 

"Do you feel safer?" I asked.

 

 

"No" Sam said. "I feel like we have a chance. Sometimes a chance is all you need."

 

 

"You know,you're too smart for your own good."

 

 

Sam smiled." I get it from you."

 

 

I shook my head." No.You get it from mom."

 

 

It pleased him to hear about any little piece of our mother since she died shortly after his birth. I told him these things because it made him happy , not because they were true. Our mother was a terrible woman that didn't deserve our father and we were better off without her.I could never let him know that though. It was easier to let him dream about her as if she's some angel up in heaven looking down upon us,our father waving kindly in the background of the fantasy.

 

"Mattie" Sam said. "I want you to know that for the first time in awhile ,I am happy. Things feel as if they will be normal soon."

 

 

If only that were true too. I am getting better at hiding things from my family. I am a better actress than I'd care to admit. There are things he doesn't need to know,things I will shield him from. For now Sam needs a reassuring smile and times like this where doing normal things mistakes itself for happiness.

 

"I hope so." I said.

 

 

"You don't believe it?"

 

 

"I don't know what to believe,Sam. Anything could happen but I told you before that I promise we'll get out of this. "

 

 

"We better. All of us. Benedict too."

 

 

"Sam,if something happens to me..."

 

 

"Don't" Sam said "Don't say it,Mattie."

 

 

"I have to. If something happens to me, I want you to take Anna far away from here. Remember that. I am going to drill it into your head every day until you understand. I am sure I will be fine but you need to leave here. Don't come back. Don't come back for anything,Sam,do you understand?"

 

 

"I do." he said." But nothing will happen to you."

 

 

"You can't know that."

 

 

"Benedict wouldn't let anything happen to you."

 

 

I couldn't stop myself from blushing so I tried to cover myself by changing the subject to Anna's gifts and what to cook for Christmas dinner. Sam let me babble on about nonsense until Benedict came in with a crying Anna in his arms.

 

 

"She had a nightmare" Ben said.He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he handed her over to me. He has taken to fallen asleep with Anna after reading her bedtime stories about fairy's and pirates.

 

 

"You can go back to bed" I said. I rocked Anna up and down.She nestled her head in my neck and eased her crying. She's been waking up from these nightmares for weeks now. She always tells me that Tommy is in them but nothing else.

 

"I'm not tired anymore" Ben said. A darkness crossed the shadows of his face and I could tell his sluggish brain was trying to comprehend that tomorrow night was the night he had to kill Faith.I find it cruel that sleep takes us away from our problems for only a little time only to brutally set us back into the middle of them.

 

 

"Sleep" I ordered. "You're going to need it."

 

 

"Come with me" he mouthed. 

 

 

"I'll take her" Sam said,getting to his feet. He had been busy shoving Anna's presents under the blanket so she wouldn't see but my brother isn't stupid. He wants us to be a perfect family so badly that he would do anything to make it so.

 

"No" I said,snatching her away." I'll do it. I'm her mother."

 

 

I was scared. I'd slept with men other than Tommy before but I never cared about any of them. Those people,Tommy included,didn't know my truth. They didn't look at me like Benedict did.They didn't look at me at all. I'm scared he won't like what he sees or he will get me finally and toss me aside like the rest of them.

 

Of course there are reasons not to get involved at all which are impenetrable. Such as I am with someone already ,or there are things more important. What it really boils down to is that I don't need another thing in my life to protect. I cannot get close to someone else only to have them snatched out of my hands just because of my life choices.

 

 

"No.I will" Sam said. He took her from me. All I could do was let my baby cling to my brother. She didn't want me anyway. I often got the feeling she also wanted Benedict and I to fall together.

 

 

"I'm not asking for your hand in marriage." Benedict said as Sam and Anna disappeared into Anna's bedroom.

 

 

"What exactly are you asking for?"

 

 

"Nothing." Benedict said. "I only want you to tell me the truth about what you feel "

 

 

"I feel like this isn't a good idea."

 

 

"What else do you have to lose?" he asked. 

 

 

"I can't" was all I said. 

 

Benedict breathed in deeply.He looked just as scared as I felt. I wanted him. I wanted to go to him and touch him and hold him and let him know that no one will ever hurt him but there are more important things. My family are all I need. They are all I have to take care of, and when this is over,we're moving on and nothing is going to keepus here. I think he understood that which was why he's never pushed me before.

 

"You're a good man." I said. I could hear the bullshit in my voice so I stopped and told him to forget what I just said. I started again, "I'm not good for you."

 

 

"You are."

 

 

"Thank you but you've got me all wrong."

 

 

Benedict shook his head sadly." You hate yourself that much,don't you?"

 

"Don't we all? Look at us. We are all completely fucked up. Tomorrow we have to kill a girl and for what? For nothing. It's best if we don't start anything before it ends us."

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I can hear Tommy's voice drumming inside of my skull. Over and over again he taunts me with a high voice full of the same patronizing tone he always uses when he wants to drill something in someone's head.

 

"How does it feel knowing you're the reason someone has to die?"

 

"The last thing she'll see is Benedict pointing a gun at her face because of you."

 

"Can you feel her blood streaming over your flesh? Can you hear her screams throb inside of your rib cage?"

 

I did. I felt her life lying heavily on me,it's memories pushing into my guilt. I dreamed about faces I've seen in lost crowds and I made them belong to her family,if she had one. She's someone's daughter,someone's friend,and she'll suffer the same fate of her husband all because of me. I made the right decision on protecting Benedict but I am not sure of that now. We don't even know if she will rat on us or if police will get involved. This is just precaution and nothing else. If life is such a precaution than why do I feel like we're creating more complications from other sources? Is it smart? Absolutely not but It has to be done in Tommy's mind.

 

 

"Are you okay?" I asked Benedict. I stopped the car a few spot's away from Faith's white row house. It's nestled deep in other houses that look like little teeth lined up in a New Jersey jaw.

 

He nodded his head,his hard breath fogging up the windshield. He didn't say he couldn't do it. He didn't cry or pulsate in the seat next to me. He looked vacant,the only sign of life coming from the whistle of air escaping from between his lips.

 

 

"I'll come in with you if you can't-"

 

 

"-I'm doing it." Benedict said." I have to be the one. He won't stop until I make my first kill on his pay roll."

 

 

Without another word, Benedict get's out of the car and walks straight to Faith's door. He is dressed in an all black outfit:black sweater and black suit pants.He blends in so well I lose sight of him until the little yellow window panes of Faith's window light up his sharp face. He knocks on the door only once,his gloved hand muffling the sound. I see her door open,Benedict slip in,and the door shut. I hear nothing else after that.

 

 

I sit behind the wheel,my fingers impatiently tapping it for a whole five minutes before I start to panic. He was supposed to shoot her with two pops to the head,the noise dissipating from the silencer.It would be a quick death,a death not meant for pain.It should not take long to put a bullet in someone. I get out of the car slowly, careful not to draw attention to myself at this late hour. I run up to Faith's door and enter without knocking.

 

 

"Ben?" I call. There is no one downstairs in the living room but the house has clearly been lived in. I draw my own gun and walk through the downstairs but it's clear. I start to head upstairs when Ben appears at the top of the steps.

 

 

"She tried to run away." he said,his voice disengaged.

 

 

I run up the stairs to him. He has a deep scratch mark on his cheek and a bite mark on his neck.I touch my hand to his cheek before aiming my gun ahead of me as if someone will surprise attack me.

 

"Where is your gun?" I ask him,my gun still pointing down the dark hallway.

 

 

"She knocked it out of my hand.It was like she was waiting for me." he said."I didn't know what to do. She ran up stairs,I tried grabbing her ankle and pulling her down but she scratched me with her nails."

 

 

The only source of light is coming from the bathroom. I walk over to the doorway and what I see makes me drop my gun down to my side immediately.

 

"She ran in here" he said,coming up behind me. He was shocked,his eyes nervously darting around the scene. "I didn't know what to do. She screamed and so I hit her in the head and wrestled her to the ground. We fell in the tub.She bit me and I reached over and grabbed the only thing I could:Her husbands razor."

 

"Jesus Christ" I whispered. 

 

There was blood everywhere. The white tiles were nearly completely painted red.The rug was soaked through. Faith lay in the bathtub with the curtain wrapped around her body and a chunk of Benedict's hair wrapped around her fingers.Her eyes were wide open and staring at us,her mouth agape as if poised to yell.

 

 

"I killed her" Benedict said.

 

 

I turned around to look at him and realized for the first time that he too was covered in a lot blood. He looked like a savage,his eyes now bulging out of his head. He leans in to kiss me but I pull away in confusion.

 

"What are you doing?" I ask.

 

 

"I don't know. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel..I feel like I want to tear you apart." Benedict said. As soon as the words liberated themselves from his mouth,he gasped. "Who am I? What is happening?"

 

 

I don't stop him the second time he tries to kiss me. I let him press his metallic lips against mine,push his hard body into the softness of my skin,and let his sticky blood sodden fingers run through my hair. I feel like I can't move. The adrenaline rushing through my veins is addictive and when his mouth finds my throat,I give in.This seems long overdue. I taste the blood on his mouth.I drive my fingers into his pants and take a hold of his hard cock. Benedict's moan sends shivers down my spine. I jerk him off while Faith looks on,while I give in completely to the madness.

 

"You feel so good" Benedict said,his hands pawing at my body. He lifts my shirt over my head and buries his head in my breasts.

 

 

"You feel better" I murmur,pumping him up and down. When I feel he is about to come,I sink to my knees and swallow him . There isn't any going back now.

 

Benedict lifts me off of the ground by my armpits and sets me on the tiny porcelain sink. We don't notice the dead body watching us anymore or the blood that covers our skin. It's just us now.I yank my pants low enough so he can access my pussy.His fingers immediately enter me and I am coming around him in mere seconds.The glint in his eye turns me on and makes me delirious. I need him inside of me. He reads me well but he wants this just as much as I do. He comes closer.I wrap my legs around him and pull him even closer. He guides himself into me and starts thrusting fast and hard. My hands are all over him:pulling,scratching,tearing until he grabs them and shoves them against the wall so I can't move. His hips jerk deeper and deeper making me scream out his name.

 

 

I feel something I cannot explain bubbling up to the surface. Whether it be love or lust,I am not sure ,but it fills me up.We lock eyes as we come together.Benedict doubles over with fatigue but i'ts momentary.It's like this is the first time he is coming to life and it's not time to end it yet. I don't want it to end yet. I clutch onto him as he lifts me into his arms and brings me into a bedroom.

 

"Wait" I say.I kiss him on his lips,tasting his saltiness on my tongue." Not here."

 

 

"Where?" Benedict growls." I'll have you anywhere."

 

 

"Not here." I say again but this time he understands.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

We barely make it to the front of his apartment before we are all over each other again.His hands are on my ass.Our tongues are in each other's mouths. It hasn't been very long but I know the curves of his body well. I had only been studying them for months and dreaming of letting my body ripple over his taut muscles.

 

"You're beautiful" he says into my mouth. I can taste the ash on his breath. He had taken a nervous smoke on the way here.

 

"You're a liar" I tease.

 

Were basically dry humping as we make our way up the steps,as Benedict puts his key in the lock, and slides open the door. 

 

We are hit with a stench so pungent when we walk in that we break a part and cover our mouths. I know the smell very well and by the looks of it so does Benedict. He hands me a handkerchief to cover my nose and mouth with and then grabs my hand. His gun with the silencer is already in his other hand as he walks towards the apartment of the downstairs tenant. The door is ajar.He kicks it all the way open and heads inside with his gun leading the way.

 

 

"It's too quiet" Benedict said. "He's not here."

 

 

"Upstairs" I say,looking up the dark staircase.

 

 

Benedict nods. I follow him up the steps slowly. The vibe in this place is much different than before. I am actually getting scared. We stop in front of Benedict's door. I feel his hands start to clam up as we see that his door is also open.The odor up here is much stronger.We both know that when we open the door we are going to find exactly where Ben's neighbor is.

 

"Dark Horse" I say.The name send's a cold dread shooting up my spine in remembrance to that night I came to Benedict's apartment the very first time.

 

 

Benedict's hand slowly pushes open the door. His gun draws up in a flash as we see a figure sitting on the bed hunched over. The figure looks at us as we walk in,his face blank but his eyes are livid.

 

 

"Tommy" I say. "What are you doing here?"

 

 

I am so preoccupied with Tommy that I don't notice the body hanging from the ceiling. When I see it,I scream,and Benedict holds me close to him. His gun is still pointed at Tommy.

 

"It's you,isn't it? You're him." Benedict says.

 

 

"No.I'm not" Tommy said." I'm not him."

 

 

I hold Benedict's hand as his finger put's pressure on the trigger. He lowers it slowly but his back is so stiff and he's ready for a battle.

 

"It wasn't Tommy.This man has been dead for weeks" I said to Benedict. "Look at him. He's decaying."

 

 

"I found him like this " Tommy said. "Just swinging there."

 

 

"Do you want to tell me why you're in my flat?" Benedict asked.

 

 

"You tell me." Tommy says. He chucks a note at Benedict's feet.It's on pretty pink stationary and when I realize it's the pink stationary from my house,I nearly faint."You recognize it then? I bought you that paper,Mattie."

 

Benedict bends to pick it up. He holds it up so we both can read it.It's instructions left to Tommy to come here and at the bottom are the words

 

 

To find what you're looking for  
DH

 

 

"What's this mean?" Benedict asked.

 

 

"Dark Horse was in my house." I said,my jaw quivering." He has been in my house with my daughter."

 

 

"You didn't seem so worried about Anna while you were fucking around with him" Tommy spat. "Don't play dumb. I know why I am here. Even if you try to deny it,I saw you out of the window. Lovely view,Benedict. Wouldn't you say?"

 

 

We both stood speechless while Tommy sat calmly on the bed. I didn't understand why he could be so placid seeing as Dark Horse has once again forced himself into our lives.

 

"They know where we are at all times" Benedict said absently. "This whole time. It's like everything we do is planned,like all of our thoughts are planted in our heads. Go here. Do this. All this fucking time just to get us here."

 

 

"For what though?" I asked.

 

 

"To play with us" Benedict said. "It's just a game."

 

 

We both looked at Tommy who raised his hands and swore that it wasn't him.I didn't believe him for a minute but I've been a pawn in people's games all of my life. I know that Dark Horse is only trying to make it look like it's Tommy.I know this because that's what I would do. I would draw us all apart and pick us off one by one.

 

 

"How can we be sure that it's not you?" Benedict asked Tommy.

 

Tommy pointed up at the man swaying slowly back and forth,his belly bloated,and his skin like paper. I looked further up at what he's hanging on and see one of Tommy's leather belts.

 

"Look's like we're all framed for murder now" Tommy said.


	9. Nine

TOMMY

 

You know when you feel anger so hot that it makes you actually see white? Not red but blinding white in your lids,the scorching heat burning up your vision.Your arms fill with energy so uncontained that you're bursting your blood vessels.Your veins pump rage straight through to your palpitating heart. Your upper lip sweats and your belly caves in with your last calm breath. You might be dizzy but you aren't sure. You close your eyes to ease the pain cracking around in your skull.You feel that any word will make you snap and you want someone to speak up,to push you over that precipice. You want the kill to matter. 

 

I will get charged for this mans death. It looks like a suicide,a fat man hanging in the breeze but when you look more closely my body is all over this place. I've sat on the bed. I've touched the walls. My possessions are in this area and my hairs are probably stuck under shoes and fingernails.It's a sloppy frame but the public will eat it up because I'm Hiddles and I've killed more men than can be proven. This one insignificant body will be the canary to all of them cats in the big city. I am truly fucked.

 

Dark Horse. I have no one left in this world to care about but my daughter and he's nearly taken her too. Creeping in the night while everyone's asleep.Flash images of a shadow standing at her bed,a bed made for my little Princess. I was never a good father but assuming I don't love my daughter proves that no one even knows me at all. I protect her with my life and knowing that even with all of my preservation's and precaution she could have been snatched. What better way to bring me down than to take my daughter?

 

"You made me murder Faith" Benedict said coldly.I had to hand it to him. His voice demanded control over the situation."You made Mattie murder Simon. Every innocent life you touch get's taken because you think you're some King. King's lead people. King's are respected. You're nothing but a man in a suit with a gun pretending to reign over a city that doesn't give a shit about you,a girlfriend that doesn't care whether you live or die, and a daughter that is afraid to look at you. You think that you invoke fear in people but it's your own fear projecting itself onto them. We are all going to die because of you."

 

 

"Not all of us" I mumbled. A sudden feeling washed over me that made it hard for me to think. I felt very removed from this scene,from the two of them watching me as if I would explode, and kill them. I wanted to. I could smell her pussy all over him. It wasn't them fucking that bothered me.Dark Horse got it wrong there.The only thing that drives me mad is their love for each other when I am in love with her. There will be no happy family in my equation. There would be no way out of this if we're to stick together. I know what must be done.

 

 

"You're right." I said. "I'll turn myself in."

 

 

Mattie's jaw dropped. Benedict's too. It felt very empowering to let the shit fly out of my mouth. I stood up and looked around the flat. The smell of death stung my nostrils but I breathed it in like an old friend. There would be none of this where I was going. 

 

 

"I don't believe you"Mattie said.

 

 

"I don't care." I said. "I am done. Anna could have been..she could have been..."

 

 

"I know" Mattie said,her eyes tearing up. I followed her tears with a few of my own.

 

 

"The Dark Horse ends with me. It doesn't have to keep being like this. I am what he wants." I said." I feel like it's time,you know? I feel like I am running around with nine lives and I am down to my last one. I don't expect either of you to take my word for it but I quit this game. I've hurt so many people."

 

 

Benedict raised his gun up as I moved closer to him. I raised up my hands and hung my head low. "Just passing by" I told him. He moved out of the way but didn't lower the gun. His eyes were the eyes of a man changed. I should know.It's like looking into a fucking mirror.

 

 

"You're going to run" Benedict said. "I've been around you enough to know when you're bluffing or not."

 

 

"Poker was never my strength" I joked. "I am not going anywhere. You can drive me to the station if you'd like but I think you would have a hard time explaining the blood matted into your hair."

 

 

"Just let him go" Mattie sighed. 

 

 

"Thank you." I said locking eyes with her. "I'll set things right,Mattie. I will."

 

 

"It's funny" Benedict said. "How your eyes say one thing but your lips say another. You won't turn yourself in. Rotting in a jail cell is far too good for you. Spending the rest of your miserable existence running from a man that wants your head in a box,that pleases me."

 

 

"It would. It's addicting to hear the last breath.You'll dream about it in your sleep. It feels like an orgasm to witness the light leave someone's eyes. What a marvelous thing to turn into a monster." I said. I saluted Benedict and strolled out of the door. My credibility mean's nothing but it's enough of a head start.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Mattie's house is dark,a black mass waiting for intruders ,or things that go bump in the night. There is no threat in sight. No lights. No cars. No soothing sound of the waves crashing onto the beach. Everything feels very much abandoned and still. I wonder what Dark Horse thought of upon seeing this wreck of a life. I bet he laughed behind my back and decided right then and there that my menace was less frightening than the monsters my daughter thinks hide in her closet. I was afraid of them too when I was her age until I realized who the real monsters were. Never in my life did I think I would become one of them.

 

 

I stuck my key into the lock and turned. It was noiseless in the house. I could hear Samuel snoring to my right with only the ticking of a grandfather clock accompanying him. I tip toed to Anna's room and opened the door. It creaked so loud that I stopped and turned back to the sofa where Samuel was not sleeping anymore. His young eyes were open,his body sinking into the cushions.

 

 

"I can see you.This can go two ways depending on you,Sam" I whispered. I looked back at Anna,saw that she was still asleep in her bed,and quietly closed the door.I turned back to him. "You could shut your eyes and pretend you never saw me here.You won't ever have to see me again in this lifetime. I am leaving Jersey."

 

 

Sam pushed himself off of the sofa and got to his feet. "You are not taking her with you" he said. His body is in a fighting stance like Benedict's.He has weeded himself so far into my life that his mark is everywhere. He's erasing me from my own life.

 

 

"Luckily for me your opinion doesn't matter. Anna is my daughter and I am getting her the fuck out of this shit hole. It isn't safe here."

 

 

"She isn't safe with you." Sam said.

 

 

"I am the only person that can protect her. She's coming whether you like it or not. Don't try and call for your sister. She isn't here. She's too busy getting her pussy wet. She has abandoned you." I said.I placed my hand on Anna's doorknob and felt Sam rush at me fast. I caught his fist and pushed him down to the ground. 

 

 

"Please don't take Anna. Please" Sam begged,staying down.

 

 

"She is all that I have"

 

 

"All you have is what's coming to you." Sam said. He spit at me,his saliva hitting me right in the face. I wiped it away and jammed my foot into his throat. I put pressure on it and watched his hands flail up to my boot. His face became red,his eyes bulging out of his head. He was suffocating. I removed my foot and watched him sputter in shock.

 

 

"She is all that I have" I repeated. 

 

 

I pushed open Anna's bedroom door.It smacked against the wall and startled her awake. She began screaming until I turned the light on. I ran over to her bed and scooped her into my arms.The wetness of her tears falling on my skin brought me out of the daze I had been in. I kissed the top of her head and picked her up off of the bed. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know what I was going to do but I needed her away from here,away from the Dark Horse.

 

 

"It's going to be okay. It's all going to be okay." I said to her. I packed a bag with some clothes and some food. Samuel stayed on the floor coughing and wheezing. His eyes stared up at me with terror. I came very close to actually killing him tonight and there was no one here to save him.

 

 

"Sammy,are you coming?" Anna asked as I opened the door.

 

 

"He's not,sweetheart. Sammy has to stay here and wait for mommy to return."

 

 

"And Benny Bear?" she asked,bringing her fingers to her mouth.

 

 

I nodded."Of course. They are going to meet us.Isn't that right,Sammy?"

 

 

Sammy nodded his head,his fingers rubbing his throat.My mind wandered to Benedict knowing how fast he can drive here and how close they must be. I shut the door behind us and nearly ran to the parked car. I shoved Anna and the bags inside and went around to the drivers seat. The car screeched as I made a turn, sending pebbles flying everywhere.

 

 

"Where are we going?" Anna asked.

 

 

"Away. Far away." I said,concentrating on the headlights flooding the dark road before us. "It's going to be fun,baby. We'll start a new life. We will have new adventures every single day. Spend all year in the hot sun.What do you think? "

 

 

"I think I want my mom" Anna said.

 

 

"She's coming" I said." I told you she was coming. Now go to sleep,Anna. Close your eyes and go to sleep. When you wake up it will all be over."

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Five in the morning and everything is blue:The sky,My fingers,and Anna's lips. It's so cold and I am so unprepared that I rush her into a diner on my way to Philadelphia. I don't know why I am heading there. I figure I will take the route down to Florida or maybe settle somewhere in the south. I will change our names. I will get a normal job and only remember this life in my nightmares. Anna will soon forget her mother and she will accept that I am the only family she will ever need. I am delusional.I am bone tired and cannot get the image of that man swinging out of my mind. Its all haunting me and we aren't yet one hundred miles away from here.

 

 

"Daddy?" Anna called sleepily when I picked her up.

 

 

"We are going to get some breakfast,okay? Are you hungry?" 

 

 

"Is mommy here?" She asked,looking around the empty parking lot.

 

 

"Not yet"

 

 

I brought her into the diner and a nice woman name Joanna served us. She cooed at Anna ,and when she had gone,I snapped at my child to take her fingers out of her mouth. She obeyed in fear. When I opened my mouth to apologize,her eyes welled up with tears.

 

 

"I am sorry" I said. "I'm not right in the head,Anna. I don't know how to do this."

 

 

"You're mean" she said,pouting." I want Benny Bear."

 

 

"They're coming.Please stop crying. I am trying so hard here."

 

 

"You are not a good man."

 

 

In that moment I didn't see Anna but I saw Mattie. It was Mattie sitting across from me with tears in her eyes. We are young again and she is begging me to stay out of trouble,to escape away with her and never look back. I closed my eyes and didn't open them again until Joanna came back with food.

 

 

"Are you alright,honey? Joanna asked.

 

 

"I'm fine" I said,blinking one too many times. 

 

 

"No.Not you." she said talking to Anna. She knelt down and pinched Anna's cheek affectionately . "Are you okay?"

 

 

"She's fine" I said. My voice was loud. I could see the cooks in the back lean over their partition. "I'm sorry. We are both fine,thank you. May we eat in peace or is that too much to fucking ask from a waitress?"

 

 

"Sure" Joanna said,slowly rising to her feet. "Call me if you need something."

 

 

Anna started crying more . I shoved her pancakes at her,drowning them in syrup. It felt like everyone was staring at me.It made me nervous. I excused myself and went into the bathroom,locking the door behind me. When I stared at myself in the mirror I understood why everyone was staring . I look like a madman with red rimmed eyes and papery skin. I look dead. I hold onto the porcelain sink for support and take a few deep rattling breaths.

 

 

"This is why you aren't a father" I said out loud to myself. "You care only about yourself and your stupid potential, your stupid life.You are pathetic,Tommy."

 

 

I turned on the faucet and ran my fingers under the cool water. I splashed my face,letting the water drip down onto my shirt. I let my fingers rummage through my hair before taking another deep breath,unlocking the door,and heading back out. I could fix this. I can fix this. 

 

 

"Sir?" A police officer said,walking towards me.The expression on his face said that he meant no harm but his body language read differently. "Sir,can I talk to you for a minute?"

 

 

I reached for my gun but didn't pull it out. He put his hand on the butt of his and waited for me to make my move first. I let my hands fall down to my sides in defeat. I feel like I want to sink to the floor and curl into a ball,giving the Dark Horse exactly what that son of a bitch wants. Instead I put my hands all the way up and he comes over to frisk me. For the first time in my life I let someone strip me of my weapons willingly.

 

 

"Is that your daughter?" he asked,his hand wrapping itself around my gun and pulling it out. He examined it and popped the round out.

 

 

"Yes."

 

 

"We got a call about a kidnapping and you fit the description. I am going to have to take you back to Atlantic City,sir." he said. "Do you have any other weapons on you at this moment?"

 

 

"Take her back to her mother. I am not going."

 

 

I started backing away. The police officer drew his gun at me but I beat him to it. I drew my spare one at him. The only time I felt like myself in my life was when I was holding a gun. I thought more clearly. I could focus.I got high off of the power but now it felt wrong. Anna watched me from the gap in Joanna's arms.She looked so disappointed and it broke my heart.I never had anything in this life. I placed the gun on the floor and held out my wrists for him to cuff.

 

 

"Go ahead." I said." You're going to want this one. You just caught Tommy Hiddleston."


	10. Ten

BENEDICT

 

Light's flashing in my eyes so bright that I see stars. Voices so loud my ears ache. I can feel the excitement coming off of everyone in waves.It makes my anxiety act up,makes me eager for a corner somewhere that will conceal me.I am here and I am not going anywhere but this daze I am in makes it hard to think about anything but death and decay.I'm not allowed near Tommy since I threatened to kill him upon arrival. I can't seem to control myself either. For now I am sitting safely behind a couple of cars waiting for Mattie to talk to the man that arrested Tommy. Anna is by my side,her little hand in mine.She is keeping me chained to earth in a way that only a child can. She is scared and wants to go home ,like I do, but she is okay. We're all going to be okay.I squeeze her hand tightly to let her know that I've got her. She looks up at me and smiles.I think of how close she was to being lost to us forever.

 

 

Maybe I am not so okay. I feel an itch I can't scratch somewhere in my bones.It's an uneasiness under my skin that I am sure Mattie feels too. I knew Tommy would run and leave us to deal with everything.I know him better than he thinks. I was not expecting a kidnapping.I was not expecting to care so much about any of these people and yet here I am. I understand what it's like to have to do something you'd rather not do to protect those that you love. I feel this understanding growing with me everyday.It wraps itself around me like vines.

 

 

Mattie comes over,her hair swirling into colors that make my head hurt.I wonder what people see when they look at her. I know they never really get a good look .If they did they would notice the tired lines around her mother's eyes,her corrupted lungs breathing out air that barely escapes her lips.It's like she is too afraid to let people know that she is alive because being alive means being vulnerable.She is vulnerable when no one can see her and vulnerable when she has to be.

 

 

"They are taking him in but they can't hold him for long" she said.She takes Anna from me.I reluctantly let her go but feel a part missing from me when I do.After all of this time being alone I've finally found a family. The only thing I want to hang is my coat after a long day at work when I am finally coming home to my daughter, and my wife. "Benedict,are you listening to me?"

 

 

"Yes." I said,shaking myself out of my thoughts. "He kidnapped a child.They can't let him rot for a few years?"

 

 

Mattie put her hand over Anna's ears. "We will talk about it when we get home,okay?"

 

 

Home.We are going home. She barely uses that word around me.Only when she wants something from me or to irritate Tommy. It's obvious to me which one of those she wants now. I smile and let her lead the way home.After all, I can give her what she wants if it means I get what I want.

 

 

 

I stop the car feet from the house.Mattie get's out and takes Anna in her arms. She motions for me to stay so I turn the car off and sit back in my seat. It's freezing outside.I can see frost forming on the glass of the windshield.I touch my fingertips to the cold of the glass and an image of Faith's cold corpse comes to mind. I jerk my fingers away and try to ease my nerves. I would close my eyes but those images are all that I see when I do. I end up silently singing to myself until Mattie comes back.

 

 

"We have to talk" Mattie said,slamming the door shut. She wiped fog off of the window with the sleeve of her jacket. "They're going to want to hold Tommy for as long as they can. They are going to cling to whatever they have for the time being but they will find nothing.He is too thorough. Tommy's a pro and they know it."

 

 

"We can nail him to the floor. It's his word against ours."

 

 

"And in a world where our word isn't worth a million dollar empire,where does that leave you ,and I? We won't last very long. We need Tommy,unfortunately.For now."

 

 

"No "I said,defiantly. "We need to finish this."

 

 

"You don't have a choice."

 

 

"He kidnapped your daughter,Mattie. I know it won't mean much to anyone else but it does to me. He's fucking bananas. Anyone can see that."

 

 

"He's on edge" Mattie said.

 

 

"On edge?" I laughed darkly. "That's amazing. You're defending him now then. Brilliant. He is a murderer..he's -"

 

 

"-So are you!" Mattie snapped,looking me dead in the eye. She kept my gaze the entire time until I couldn't look at her anymore. "So am I,Ben. Tommy can easily destroy us but he hasn't..."

 

 

"Yet..." I said.

 

 

"Things will turn to shit without him." Mattie said. "We can't do this without Tommy"

 

 

"Do what?" I asked,feeling anger creep up the back of my neck. "Can't be a happy family without him? Can't breathe without the bastard? Can't think for yourself? Can't take a piss without him? Can't fuck me without him?"

 

 

"What?" she asked. "Where is this coming from?"

 

 

"I'm sorry" I said. I let my head sink onto the steering wheel. I felt tears sting my eyes before I could stop them. I discreetly wiped them away and then lifted my head up to look at her. She watched me cautiously,her face a blank canvas. "I keep seeing her..."

 

 

"That happens" Mattie said. "It will go away."

 

 

I shook my head slowly. "Not for me. It's odd,you know. I took a life and now my life is being taken away piece by piece. I don't like that feeling. I don't like losing things. I know that no one particularly likes it but I can't get it off of my mind. How is it so easy for you?"

 

 

"I stopped remembering things." she said nonchalantly.

 

 

"I don't remember anything,Mattie.It's all gone black.There's just smells and flashes a-a- and you.You're everywhere for me."

 

 

I expected Mattie to brush me off like always but she leans over and kisses me. It's the first time we are kissing without wanting a release. I hold her head in my hands and push myself against her. She opens herself up to me,her mouth letting me inside. She whimpers and it makes me horny but I can't seem to get hard for her. Her hands slip inside of my pants and nothing happens at all. 

 

 

 

"It's fine" she whispers against my mouth. "There's always time."

 

 

Mattie trails kisses down my throat and pulls back. I look down at my limp crotch and feel agitated. I want to show her all of me when I am just me and not covered in blood or regret. I want to make love to her like no one ever has. I want to lose hours of sleep just so I can penetrate all of her walls.

 

 

"I love you" I tell her. My voice is loud in the dead silence pooling inside of the car. I know she can hear me clearly, yet she looks out of the window again as if nothing had ever been said. 

 

 

"It will pass" she said after awhile. 

 

 

"I am in love with you." I said.

 

 

"You don't want to be in love with me."

 

 

"That's one thing you don't get to decide." I said. "When this is all over and Tommy is out of our lives,Mattie,I want to be with you. I want to have a family with you."

 

 

She turned to me.The lines around her eyes seemed deeper by the second. Her mouth frowned,her eyes narrowed. "Why would you want a thing like that?" she asked.

 

 

"Because I love this" I said,gesturing to the house in front of us. "I love every bit of this. I would even take the fall for you if it meant that one day you would feel the same way about me. I don't have anything left to lose. "

 

 

"I'm sorry" Mattie said. The way she said those two words made something tug at my insides. I had never heard her sound so heartbroken over anything. Her beautiful face looks as if it's in agony. For a minute, I think I see the glisten of a tear, but it's gone as I move closer. I peck her on the lips and nuzzle my nose against hers. I want to know what she is so sad about but I know better than to ask her. Instead,I tell her not to apologize to a man like me which made her smile.It reminded me of the day we first met.It seems like ages ago.

 

 

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

MATTIE

 

 

The men in my life are getting to be a pain in my ass. I don't know what's in the water in Jersey but it's making them all crazy. If they aren't crawling on their knees with some neediness bullshit,they are laying down in front of tanks with peace flags and a half lit cigarette.Meanwhile,the women are hiking up their skirts for a chance at equality with a side of narcissism. What chance?Oh,only the chance for everyone to realize for the first time that it's us that cleans up the mess.It's us little women with our red warrior lipstick and tight curls and pussies that run to cover up the affairs of our colleagues all with an obedient smile on our face.Unimportant things,sure,but things that make the world tick,tick,tick. We're grateful,sir! We are born to gravel at the shiny toed male and nothing would make us happier than to bow down. I have yet to find a man that doesn't look at me like I am supposed to do something for him whether it be to suck him off acting like it tastes as sweet as candy or thank him for saving my life.You didn't save my life.I did.

 

 

They mean well sometimes,I think. I don't know. Every man I talk to seems to think I am an idiot. I'm only good for mothering a child. I am only good for being the Princess atop the tower.I do sit atop my tower on the Boardwalk but it's a short tower with a long way down I am afraid.So,what do I do now? I don't have many options being a delicate little lady,of course ,but I do have a lot of opportunity here in the land of I love you's and I'll kill you's. Why is it so hard for any of them to listen to me just this once? Would it kill them ?

 

 

"Where are you going? Mattie,you should stay home for awhile" my brother said. "After what happened..."

 

 

"After what happened? It didn't just 'happen' Sam. " I said,pulling my stockings slowly up my leg. I could sense Benedict watching me from afar. I liked teasing him with the smooth skin of my thigh. I stood up and slipped on my heels. I admired myself openly in the mirror. I was so well put together that I couldn't breathe but it was going to be worth it.

 

 

"You're going to get us all killed" Sam whispered.

 

 

"What would you know about death?" I said. " Huh? You are living because of me and me only, Sam. Get that in your fucking head."

 

 

I walked out of my room,being careful enough to shake my ass just enough so Benedict could see. He's been having a lot of trouble getting it up lately but I don't blame him. I don't know what kind of man get's hard off of seeing a dead body but we all have our demons.It's not my place to judge.I know I have mine.

 

 

"What's happened to you?" Sam asked,following close behind me. He reached out to put his hands on me but decided not to for whatever reason. "Mattie,this isn't you."

 

 

"I've always been me from the start" I said,shrugging on my jacket. " Everything I do,I do it for my family."

 

 

Sam moved in front of the door. "You're going to visit him,aren't you?" Sam asked. "I can't let you do that.He is where he belongs."

 

 

"Let her pass,Sam" Benedict said. His eyes were as sad as when he told me he loved me and I didn't say it back. It's not that I didn't. It's not that I did. It's that I couldn't afford to think that way. I can't be what everyone wants me to be and I wouldn't want to be.

 

 

"You should be standing here with me" Sam said to Benedict. "She's not right. She's not my sister."

 

 

"There's nothing wrong with me" I said,looking to both of them. What is it with men trying to tell me what to do,who to be all of the time? I'm not a piece of property. I don't fit into a role designed by anyone. The only thing I am is what I have chosen to be. Everything else just makes it easier to be solid and strong.

 

 

"Let her go" Benedict said.He pulled Sam out of the way by his arm and opened the door wide for me to leave. I walked through it without looking at either of them again. I knew that if I had, something would persuade me not to go to Tommy ,but this is something that needed to be done.

 

 

 

I arrived at the Sheriff's office in Atlantic County ten minutes earlier than scheduled. I sat in the car and carefully traced my lips with lipstick. I puckered them in my compact and smiled. I looked like how I used to look at the beginning of Tommy and I's relationship ,before I had Anna. I appeared to be younger than I am with my hair curled into loose waves,and a necklace Tommy once gave me cradled in my collarbones. I felt less like the girl from the sea and more like a glamour girl. If people were so ready to fit me into their boxes then I will let them but just for this special occasion. 

 

 

I got out of the car not caring about who was staring at me as I marched up the ice covered steps. Eyes were burning into me, I could feel them as plain as day just as I could hear wives purses smack against their husbands arms. Get a good look at me while you can,you are going to have to remember my face under different circumstances later.

 

 

"Hi" I said cheerfully.I leaned against the front desk,my breasts practically staring a man in the eye. He was staring right back. "I'm here to free Tommy Hiddleston. I set his bail a bit ago.The Judge said I could pick him up here."

 

 

"Your name,sweetheart?" the man asked,his eyes trying desperately to tear themselves away from my tits.

 

 

"Matilda Garvin" I said,smiling. He would never see my smile but the rest of the people openly gaping at me would. It was all about appearances. Everyone who ever read a newspaper knew who I was,anyway. It wouldn't hurt for Dark Horse to hear about this. I had to let him know that he wouldn't get to this bitch easily.

 

 

"Right. We'll send him out for you,Matilda." the man said.

 

 

"Actually,can I ask a small favor of you?" I said. I placed my fingers under his chin and brought his head up.His eyes met mine reluctantly . "Do you mind If I go back there and talk to him first? I would hate for him to think he's gotten away completely free from me.You know,a woman's wrath is much worse than any cage in hell."

 

 

"I can't....I ..uh..it's not legal.."

 

 

"Please?" I asked fixing him with my sweetest smile yet. I could see the 'no' in his eyes turn into a 'fuck it' quite instantly. 

 

 

"You have five minutes" he said,leading me down a set of linoleum steps. His key opened a heavy metal door which brought us to a room full of cells with men in them." Don't look any of them in the eye. They are going to harass you and you don't need to hear that."

 

 

"I actually like it" I told him. I let my hand linger over his bicep before descending another set of steps right into the pit. 

 

 

"He is in the last cell to your right" the man said before backing away.I didn't have to turn around and look at him to know that his eyes were on my ass. Men are very predictable. You know what's not predictable? Women.

 

 

All of the men in the cells were rising from their metal beds. Some with sleepy eyes and other with eyes only for my body. They stuck their heads out of the bars,their tongues falling out of their mouthes.Hands grabbed for me but none of them could reach me. I was expecting cat calls but it was silent except for a few grunts and what I can only guess as the sound of someone masturbating. I walked all the way to the end of the block and stopped in front of a cell. 

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

TOMMY

 

 

"I never thought I would see you again." 

 

 

Mattie's eyes took in my slightly disheveled clothes and my unkempt hair. They roved over the books by my side,to the fluffy pillows and soft blanket covering my bed. An amused smile flashed across her lips.It's quite beautiful what a reputation and a few bills can get you even in the worst of conditions. It makes me think that even on my deathbed people from all over who don't know me will show up with a solid gold coffin and a eulogy written in their own blood. It wasn't just material things that were given to me in the week I've been stuck in here but things money cannot buy. All of these men in their equally unfortunate states were now at my beck and call. They looked upon me as their lord and saviour and not the man that sat in his cell reading all day,the very opposite of the King I was.

 

 

"They're quiet" Mattie said,nodding towards the row of men. "I've never seen that before.You still have the touch"

 

 

I placed my book on the bed and brought my hands onto my lap and folded them. I leaned back and studied her. She opened her jacket for me to get a better look.She wanted me to grin widely,perhaps go up to bars and brush my thumb against her nipple. I opened my book up and went back to reading about shit I didn't care about in a place I might as well die in. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her falter a bit ,but Mattie never broke. She wasn't like us normal folk with our mental breakdowns and our soft spots. Mattie's only soft spot was a little girl that I tried to kidnap. She wouldn't be here right now if she didn't need something from me. There weren't many second chances for a girl like that.

 

 

"I'm here to get you out" she said with a smirk.

 

 

"No thanks.I'm fine where I am." 

 

 

"What are you going to do? Rat on yourself? Get locked away forever?" she asked jokingly. When she saw that I was serious,her smile faded.

 

 

I shrugged. "What would you have me do? Anything you say isn't much better than sitting here with all of my new friends."

 

 

"They'll kill you given the chance." she said. "You do know that,don't you?"

 

 

"So will you." I said,peering up at her from the pages. "You would get along great with them honestly. They lie really well and they stink like sewage. "

 

 

"Clever,Tommy.You can insult me all you want." Mattie said. "It doesn't matter. We're leaving. Come on.There are things that you need to do."

 

 

"No" I said."No.No.No.No."

 

 

I could feel her frustration mounting. I liked her best when she stripped away everything and became the ragged little bitch she really was. She acted like she was scorned but Mattie never did anything she didn't want to do. She liked to blame everyone else for her issues like they were the reason she couldn't get away from me. I guess part of that is true but that's why we're made for each other. We were bad from the start and we just kept getting worse. It's like a train wreck that was never going to end well in the first place.

 

 

"You can leave now" I said. "Go home back to your boyfriend and wipe that shit off of your face.It's not very becoming."

 

 

"Fuck you." she said,her walls trembling a bit. Good. I like a girl on her knees.

 

 

"What's the show for anyway? Is it supposed to remind me of the old you? It's almost right,baby,but you are forgetting one thing. Your ugly soul is now eating it's way to the surface and I'm not who I used to be" I said. "Let me hear your last attempt.Go ahead. Lay it on me."

 

 

"I love you" she said coldly.

 

 

"That's lovely." I said. "What. Do.You.Want.From.Me?"

 

 

"Fine" she said,dropping the act finally. "You are the catalyst,Tommy. If we don't have you on the outside than we don't stand a fucking chance.If you come with me when can end this together. We are better united than apart."

 

 

"I've heard this before.I am not interested. "

 

 

"Think of your daughter" she said desperately.

 

 

"I was!" I yelled,my voice echoing in the dead space. I cleared my throat.It hurt badly. "Get away from me."

 

 

"Your bail is paid." she said,gritting her teeth.

 

 

"I don't care.I am going my separate way."

 

 

"I will tear you down the moment you leave" Mattie said.

 

 

"Threats Mattie,really?" I asked. I threw my book down and rose from my bed. Before she could move away,I grabbed her arm through the bars and pulled her close to me. She struggled but my other hand gripped around her throat. There were witnesses everywhere but these are my men now. "When his dick is inside of you tonight,I want you to think of the man that's going to kill your daughter and how it was you that fucked us all."

 

 

 

I released her. She stepped back and grabbed her throat. Instead of rubbing the bruises my fingers were forming she ripped her necklace from her throat and chucked it at my feet. I didn't pick it up. Mattie started sniffling and wiping her eyes. I didn't need to hear the heavy boots coming down the hall or see the man's concerned and sympathetic face.There would always be men to rescue her from the big bad villain of the piece.She didn't need me.

 

 

 

As they walked away,his arm draped around the crying Queen,I started applauding her performance. It's the last act before the final showdown. I'm just a little bit sad I won't be around to see the curtain's fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I went to write the next chapter and it was really good but then I accidentally deleted it and now I have to write it over so bear with me. I am sorry.


	11. Eleven

BENEDICT

 

I've been waiting for hours on the doorstep.Caught somewhere between love and obsession,I count the seconds that tick by. It's below thirty degrees in my bones and even worse on the transparent skin of my cheek. My hands are as red as summer cherries and I imagine my eyelids glued shut with frost.I do not feel anything but the warmness spreading itself over my lungs as I drag on the ashes of my worst habit. My second worst habit. I am still waiting for the first.

 

 

Every nerve in me says I should run,pack up like I did in England, and sail a boat to wherever.Start over.Tommy's men have all scattered across the map, so why shouldn't I?I would fit into that life quite easily now. I could disappear without a trace.It would be like trying to catch smoke with your fist.No one would ask me questions about my scar anymore.They would just assume I was some war hero haunted by his past.Possibly Mattie would beg me to stay,tell me she loves me,or that she's trying .A girl like that won't ever love me.She'll want to ,but only to prove she can do it.

 

 

I can feel the eyes of Anna and Sam searing into the back of my skull. Their faces are pressed against the cold glass,eyes flickering from me,to the roads,and back to me again.They're just children,I think.Children with small hands ,and runny noses just waiting for a second chance at adolescence,waiting for a chance like me.If I could take them both away from this,I would,but I know that I can't.Not just that I can't but I won't. I have been trying to separate myself from them for awhile.It will be easier in the end not to care for anyone.

 

 

The old familiar creak of the front door fills my ears.I don't need to turn around to know that it's Sam.He has been hounding me to be the hero and go after his sister all day.He'd poke at my chest and tell me I am useless.Once before I would have ran behind her to appease my sense of desperation but I can't be that man now.Bailing Tommy out of jail is the worst mistake she could have made.She's determined to do things her way. I won't stand in her path. I will wait,a foolish servant,and an even bigger idiot.

 

 

"Sam,go back inside.It's too cold" I said.I flick my cigarette into the road and turn around.It isn't Sam.

 

 

Anna's eyes are brimming with tears. "Mommy's on the phone for you" she said."She sounds really scared."

 

 

I'm on my feet without a second thought,sweeping Anna into my arms as I go.I run over to the house phone,an embarrassment of riches,and press my ear against it.Anna watches me closely but I can't let her see the pain on my face as I hear her mother's hoarse voice .I call for Sam to take Anna but he's not answering me.Mattie's talking fast and slurring her words.She is crying,pleading over and over again for me to hold her,to take the pain away.

 

 

"I am coming with you" Sam said,coming out of his bedroom.He's already put his winter coat on and is pulling on gloves.

 

 

I let the phone dangle from my hands before it slip's to the floor.Anna wipe's the tears off of my cheek and buries her head into my neck.I set her down,feeling very much in a daze. I don't want to be touched. I don't want anyone to look at me as I fall apart.

 

 

"No!" I said,my voice louder than I want it to be.Anna run's behind Sam,tucking her small body into his back.I wonder what I look like to both of them.I probably look as mad as I feel. "I need you to stay here with Anna. Don't open the door for anyone.There's a gun,Sam,underneath my mattress.Aim for the kneecaps,okay?"

 

 

"Benedict" Anna said, smally. "Bring her back home."

 

 

"You shouldn't have to worry about..." I begin to say.The words get caught in my throat.Instead,I put my hand over my heart. "I promise you.I will."

 

 

 

 

I stand in front of the hotel Mattie called me from.I feel less like the depleted man of an hour ago and more like the man who holds the gun.My furrowed brow will betray me but I feel like a man without worry,a man without anything left to lose. I remember a time when a gun used to feel cold and heavy in my hands but right now it feels like another part of my arm.I tuck the gun safely away.It's warm against my rib cage.It's comforting,really.

 

It all feels uneasy from here on in.The walk up the steps,my hand on the wooden door.I walk in and it's as if everyone is staring at me.I nod my head and keep walking until I am stopped.There is a bellboy.He takes my arm and starts dragging me through thick carpeted hallways.I don't understand what he's saying.He speaks in another language,one I never needed to learn.I know what horror sounds like.I don't need an interpretation.He could be guiding me into a trap but I don't bother with 'could be's'.I am too tired to think straight.

 

He leaves me at a door before rushing off to fuck knows where. I let my fingers touch the gold number plate in hesitation before pushing open the door to room 107.It's dark inside and quiet.If I listen closely,I can hear the blood rushing through my veins.

 

"Benedict?"

 

I stop and listen to Mattie croak my name.I hear nothing else after that but a light breathing coming somewhere from the corner.I feel along the walls for a light of any kind. The worst scenarios enter my mind but I brush them away.

 

"Please don't turn on the lights" Mattie whispers. "It hurts."

 

 

My eyes adjust to the darkness.I can see an outline crouched down low on the floor ,just underneath the window.I cross the room and grip my fists around the heavy drapes that block the happiness from this cold place.

 

 

"Mattie,I need to see you."I said." I need to see what happened to you."

 

 

Mattie whimpers.I slide the curtain across it's metal bar slowly.A sliver of light cuts across the bed like a sun rise.I sit down beside her and can see the damage immediately. Her knees are brought up close to her naked chest but the bruises on her ribs are noticeably large and deep.Carefully,I spread her thighs apart ,and when I see the red fingerprints,I know.I slam my closed fists into the ground repeatedly.I can feel my skin rip,the blood trickle across my knuckles ,but I don't stop until Mattie places her hand over mine.She starts to cry and so do I. 

 

Her hair is matted in some places with blood as if she was struck in the head with something heavy.Her right eye is bruised purple and blue.Around her pupil are shades of red from broken capillaries.There is semen or snot on her cheek.It's crusted around her nostrils.I pull her close to me and kiss her hair. Her body is so cold and stiff.

 

"Who did this to you?" I ask her.My voice is not my own.I try to make it so I sound flat and emotionless but it ends up coming out harsh.I feel like I could kill a man,could rip the muscles straight out of his chest with my bare hands.I don't think you can hide that sort of thing.

 

Mattie shakes her head and shuts her eyes tight. I don't want to push her.I know how that could feel when you're already broken.I'm not asking her because I need to know who did this.I already know.This place stinks of the rotten smell of him.

 

"Was it him?Was it Tommy?" I ask.

 

Again she doesn't answer.I dip my fingers under her chin and bring her mouth to mine.She parts her lips and let's me inside.I cant help feeling as if this is the kiss of death.Maybe my own death.Who knows.

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

MATTIE

 

 

Never believe anything anyone ever tells you unless you can prove it.Let them think that they have you in palm of their greedy hands.Let them anticipate your next move as being unplanned.Let them give up on you ,and when they turn their backs,strike them with your claws.It's the only way you're going to survive.If you don't, you might as well kiss everything you've ever worked for these last couple of years goodbye.

 

 

I ditched the cop at the station.He was a second away from spilling his load all over the front of his uniform.I hate when that happens.I hate when men think they are mercenaries out in the jungle of sweet pussy.One look from their lustful eyes doesn't mean I have to grovel on my knees for an eternity.Men like that,they come with the same stupid look on their faces as when they go.

 

Fucking Tommy.I had a plan,a very good one for that man.It wasn't about bailing him out for help.The only help Tommy's going to give out from now on is how to prove what a wrong choice he was for boss.I should have known he would catch on to the bullshit I've been preaching lately.I should have known that he would run.It was never going to be easy to lure him out and hand him over to Dark Horse.Why would it be?

 

 

Luckily for me,I have other plans stirring inside this pretty little head of mine.It just might take a little preparation on my part.Seems like I will get a chance to dance on Tommy's grave after all.

 

 

 

 

The hotel was in a secluded part of the city.I picked it because it resembled a flophouse inhabited by young drug runners and people with three teeth.Once it might have been a family friendly place but not anymore judging by it's clientele.It's a place people come to die and a place where I've come to be murdered.Well,almost murdered.

 

 

I bought a night's stay in a room on the far end.The maze-like hotel would conceal me from anyone looking for trouble.Not that I knew anyone here.It was just better to be safe.From there,I went to this hole in the wall about a mile from the beach.I sat on a bar stool with my legs crossed and my head down.I didn't need to poke my tits out or smile at anyone.The men flocked to me as soon as I stepped over the threshold.All I needed to do then was wait for one to approach me.When he did,I pulled him close and told him I was going to fuck his brains out.Men would hardly say no to that.

 

I didn't feel like myself.I guess that's everyone's excuse for why they do what they do.It's not my fault.Tommy made me do it.I was crazy.Well,I may still be crazy yet because when I got that man back to my hotel I made him fuck me all over it.He tried to be a gentleman and make a night out of it but all I needed was rough fingers digging into my skin and a slap across the cheek.What I needed was him to make it look like I'd been raped by Tommy.No one in the lobby would see this man enter or leave so I couldn't feel bad about that.The only remorse I had for my plan was what I did next because it hurt like hell.

 

I kicked the man out after he started to get too clingy.He buried his face in my breasts and talked of running away together.It's surprising he didn't recognize me and surprising still that he fell for me so fast.They always did. I don't know why.Sometimes I scare myself more than anything else.The only time I ever feel safe by myself is in my dance studio and in the reflection of my daughters eyes.

 

I tried chickening out of the plan.I tried to talk some reason into myself but I'd made it this far.A girl like me didn't start what she couldn't finish.Besides,being around Tommy made me angry and vengeful.The first time I threw myself against the wall,I thought I broke a rib.I did it over and over again,making sure I heard that satisfying crack.I rammed my head against the porcelain sink,punched myself in the eye.I pulled my own hair out of my head in clumps. I beat myself so much that I actually felt like I was dying.

 

Then,I made the call.

 

Appearances aren't all that they seem.I'm sure parents tell their children this the older they become.Things are not as simple as they are on the surface.People will always see what they want to see,always hear what they want to hear.All you have to do is paint one realistic portrait and the image they look at is the one that will stay with them forever.I never claimed to be anything other than who I am.

 

Benedict came and attended to me like a father would a child. He brought me close to him and kissed my hair.I never meant to get so involved with any of it.These were all surface wounds.They were part of the master plan.My tears were the only real part of anything.

 

"Was it him?Was it Tommy?" Benedict asked.

 

Some things were better left unsaid.I needed Benedict to taste the fear on my lips that Tommy's name evoked.He already believed what he saw.The bruises on the ribs and my eye as black as coal.He would believe the story because what else is there to believe?Tommy is capable of doing such a heinous thing to the mother of his child.What does that make me capable of?

 

"Please tell me what happened" Benedict begged.His tears were rolling down my cheek as he pressed his face to mine.I genuinely felt bad for the one good man in this world that just happened to get himself caught up in this mess.

 

I cleared my throat.It hurt so badly from yelling for the bellboy to help me.He was part of this now and he would never even know it.But that's all we are,aren't we? Just pawns in other people's games,waiting to be used, and destroyed.

 

"It doesn't matter now."

 

"It.Does.To.Me" Benedict said,each word getting deeper than the last. "Tell me,please."

 

 

I told him everything.I rattled off the story in my head like I lived through it.I started with the visit and worked my way to telling Benedict that Tommy made me come here at gun point.I could hardly resist.I expected him to have sex with me one last time before he skipped town but that's not what Tommy had in mind.

 

"He kept yelling at me to take off my clothes" I said." He gripped me up by my neck and threw me on the bed..."

 

I choked back sobs.Benedict comforted me.I could see the images playing through his head of Tommy forcing himself in me,his fingers digging into my flesh.He would mentally relive all of the things that weren't real.I'll never understand why people care so much.

 

"Benedict? Ben,where are you going?"

 

Benedict stood up.His back was ramrod straight and his face stoic.He removed his gun from his jacket and cocked it.I have never been more aroused in my life.He looked like a real gangster standing there.He looked like a real man.

 

"Benedict" I said again."What are you going to do?"

 

"I'm going to kill him" he said before walking out of room 107

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

TOMMY

 

I fell in love with the ocean when I was young.It baffled me that something so massive could wash upon the shore with such power one moment, but with such grace the next.She was a beautiful constant in my life.I thought about the way my skin would smell after a dip when I was feeling lost.I'd think about how if I just followed the shoreline I could always find my way back home.People say I am not as sentimental but all I am is sentiment.I crave my memories like one craves heroin.If I am so stuck in the past I can't be killed.I am sentimental for my own life.

 

 

I once likened Mattie to an ocean.So much mystery to be had.The deeper I plunged, I needed more, but I always found that I couldn't breathe after awhile.She sucked me into her waves like a small child and then she spit me out again when she was done. I've seen many men roam deeper and they were never seen from again.Love makes you see silly things,doesn't it?Where I saw an ocean I now see wet sand.She's all over you when you don't want her to be.She get's underneath everything and you will still be picking her from your skin weeks later.She's a part of my life's existence but she's the part I wish I didn't need.

 

 

It's lonely on the boardwalk right now.I am reminded more than ever that I do not have a family.The bones of the city are rattling underneath me,the warm windows of houses showing youth,and love.Everyone has deserted me.My business is sinking through the cracks.My men are dead men in the making,probably up the American asses of my successors.It's just me and my beauty in all of her dark glory. I drink her in one last time before the sun goes down.I peer at the eyes of my city and bid farewell.

 

 

 

I don't like loose ends.I don't like losing.I don't like the thought of people laughing at me behind my back for years to come.I don't like being called 'Hiddles' but i'll hear it in the echo of my thoughts for the rest of my life.I don't like repenting for my sins but where I am going,I feel I must try.I can start anew but I will never become anything other than me.That's the one thing I do like.

 

I walk into Dark Horse for one last time.It's abandoned with the only traces of life being half empty gin bottles and a few bare crates.Everything worth anything is gone.They stole it as soon as I started going crazy.Am I crazy or have I just realized what's been going on for the last four years?It's too late to think so optimistically ,but the only thing worth everything ,is the same thing beating inside of your chest.

 

It feels strange walking up the steps to my office. I've walked up these so many times that my feet know where not to step.There is so much pain soaked into this wood,my own included.I can almost feel the screams echoing down the hall as people know they are going to die.This stairway was the last thing most of them saw.They will all haunt me someday,and I will deserve every minute of it.

 

"Alright Tommy" I say to myself. "Time to say goodbye."

 

 

I swing open my door and close my eyes.I breathe in the familiar smells of smoke and sex. I can see colors swirl behind my weary eyelids.I see my dancers revolving against blue and gunmetal gray backdrops.A small smile creeps onto my lips.When I open my eyes again,I know it's going to be okay when I shut them for good.

 

 

"All of this and you couldn't do it,Tommy" I say out loud. 

 

 

I walk over to my desk drawer and pull out a length of rope. I stand up on a chair and tie it to the ceiling,tugging on it to makes sure it's sturdy.I can see the stage from this vantage point.I remember the first time me and Mattie christened it.The lights were down low and the music was piping out of the victrola.She rode me hard,and all I could think about was how beautiful she was and how I couldn't wait to give her more children.I actually had the idiot idea that it would stay like that forever.

 

"I'll see you all in hell" I say,my voice cracking only slightly.I wave to an invisible crowd before wrapping the noose around my neck, and stepping off of the chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one more chapter :)


	12. Twelve

 

  
TOMMY

 

I'm so heavy in the arms of the angels.They lift me from the sores on my throat and under the pits of my arms.My toes drag against the floor,Italian funeral shoes scuffing from the wood.The bright white light shines in my eye like a lighthouse,shimmering to bring all of me home.I hear my mother call to me as if she's shouting through a thick wall of glass.If glass is all it takes to bring me from this world into the next,I'll make tiny glitter out of it all.

 

 

"What are you doing?"

 

 

"Stop."

 

 

"You can't do this."

 

 

  
Dear Mother,

I'll write you a letter in my head because I will surely not make it to heaven where you are.I hear you plead for me.I hear the whispers leaking into my suicide brain.I hear your tinny voice,your mother's tone so loving, and true. I never made you proud and I suppose where I am going,I never will.I'm sorry,mother.I wish I were a different man.

  
                                                              Your Thomas

 

 

  
It's not the eyes of an angel I am looking into.It is the devil's eyes and he's looking at me with fire for pupils.His mouth is curled into misery,his nose flared,and his skin hot.He carries me like a baby that doesn't know it's fate.He carries me like one of his own.We are the same him and I.We are equal.

 

 

  
"He must die."

 

  
"He must suffer."

 

 

Have I not suffered enough?Have I not just wrapped my lungs with an iron fist?Have I not died for you,devil?I look into his eyes and I beg my mercy and I beg it without words.It's so dark here in the middle of death.It's quiet too.If the last sounds I hear are the devils name,I shall welcome that name as my own.

 

  
"Benedict! No!!!"

 

 

  
I'm flying through the air .I open my wings and soar.I feel very cold but so peaceful.I imagine this is what it feels like to be free.

 

And then it's over.

 

  
My bones are crunched underneath my skin.I feel the metallic taste of chains on my dry lips.I hear the shattering of glass deafening my ears,and the screams of my mother brush against my heart.It's a long way down until I'm on the ground,my back flat against the walls of hell.

 

 

  
Then I feel a shock to my chest and I'm back where it all started.I am hurtled backward down to earth,to the glass sticking out of my chest,and the blood trickling down my temple.I can't move.I can't speak.Everything is magnified and I can feel the parts of me that hang outside of my body.

 

 

  
I see you devil.I see your eyes now,Benedict,and they are a mirror of my own.I know what it's like to be beaten.Bow down to your queen.

 

 

  
"Benedict,Please"I hear Mattie plead. "You just threw him through a window.He's dying."

 

 

  
I am dying.I am dying of betrayal,my love.Don't think I don't see you clearly now too.I see it all.I've stared heaven and hell in the face.I know this life better than I know my death.

 

 

I expect my end to be met by a boot in the face or a barrel jammed down my throat.He was noble once upon a time before he stepped foot in this place.The man he was would not prolong my agony because of sympathy.However,I know nothing of the man before me except for the rage in his eyes as he stands over me.

 

 

  
"Tell... me" I choke out.It burns but it feels so satisfying. "What..did sh-e..tell..yo-u?"

 

 

  
It's not real,Ben.Open your eyes.She's the gunman wielding death and despair that day you almost lost your life.She's the tragedy in the papers.She's every head in every box. She's the monster that hides under Anna's bed.She is the Dark Horse.

 

 

There's blood in my throat.It rises like the tide of an ocean.It bubbles through my teeth like rivers.I feel like I am drowning.

 

 

Benedict leans down on his knees and watches me with curiousity.He tilts his head from side to side just watching the blood drip down my jaw.It splatters his face as I cough but he does not flinch.He is lost at sea just as I am.

 

 

  
I think he might give up and watch me die here. He could watch me bleed out,watch my face ashen,and my last gasping breath of air leave my already decaying throat.But he gets to his feet and lifts me by the back of my shirt. He drags me through glass,through splintered wood,and sets me on the stage.I see a trail of red in the shape of my body. I close my eyes.

 

 

"Ladies and Gentleman." Benedict roars to no one.Mattie is gone.It's just us and the madness. "I have a show for you tonight.It's a one time performance starring your one and only King. What a fine King he was."

 

 

  
My vision flashes in and out.I know I haven't much time left.The real Devil,the one whose hysteria Benedict cannot match,is calling my name.I can hear the crowd cheer.I can hear the applause rupture my eardrums.I don't feel Benedict stab me in my chest.I don't feel his fingernails dig into my flesh.I don't feel the punches or the hands around my throat.I hear only the sounds of my name repeated over and over again.

 

 

King.

  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

  
BENEDICT

 

  
Show's over.It was a hard one but an exceptional achievement.The second act was a little rough but Tommy could hardly complain.I lean back against the wall and feel my dick harden beneath my trousers.I feel the hunger satiate inside of me. My back is aching but I take out a cigarette and suck the tobacco and now nothing is painful anymore.I hold my fingertips up to the burning stage lights to see the blood filter through orange.I run my fingers across the black stage and I paint a scene.My head's all fuzzy and my eyes are in and out of focus.

 

 

I sit for awhile and watch Tommy's puddle of blood inch closer to me.I stare at his waxen face,mouth opened in horror.He had seen it coming.He knew what had to be done.I had expected him to fight back.He was supposed to fight me for his life.Why didn't he fight back?

 

 

 

"Baby,it's all going to be okay."

 

 

  
Hands that feel of silk caress my cheek.A hard thumb digs into my cheek.I recoil from the touch but I am a man of trust.I let those fingers guide me to the Queen.Did Tommy say something about a Queen or was it all in my head? I can't seem to find reality at the moment.It's all blood and the stench of rust.It's all shaking limbs and flaky lips.

 

 

  
"Baby,do you hear me?"

 

 

  
I hear you.Who are you? I connect my eyes to her and I know who she is.I know her with or without her bruises,with or without her kind eyes.

 

 

"You're a liar" I say.

 

 

"We're all liars." she retorts.She removes her hand from my cheek and backs away so I can't make out her figure.

 

 

  
Tommy was trying to kill himself.Tommy had sent me into a trance at the sight of him swinging there.The roles had reversed themselves and in that instant I was not Benedict but Tommy Hiddleston, and I had been lying to myself all along.

 

 

Why would you want to die in this beautiful place?Tommy,you once said that to me and look at us now.Look at you and your punctured lung and your strangled throat.They'll say you died of asphyxiation but we all know you died because of your lies.

 

 

"What is your greatest lie?" I ask of her but she is gone,backed too far away. I can't see her but I hear her breathing.I hear the pads of her feet as if she is dancing across the stage.

 

 

  
"You" she says through laughter.

 

 

  
I am on my feet but I am swaying.I am fresh off of a kill and I am dizzy with guilt.I race through the club trying to find her but she disappears behind gauzy curtains of lace,her coy smile taunting me.I feel as if I am going round the bend.

 

  
"Show yourself."

 

 

  
"You've already seen me"she giggles.

 

 

  
"You're..filmy.I can't..see you. I need to see you."

 

 

  
"No"

 

 

  
"Please?" I ask of her. "I need to know who you are."

 

 

  
"Oh,Baby" she coos. "Haven't you been paying attention?"

 

 

  
I feel her behind me.She treads lightly on her toes,her voice like a music box.I swing around but she vanishes again.I close my eyes and stand still.

 

 

Open your eyes,Benedict. She's the scythe of death that took your mother.She's the affliction in your brain.She's the notes papering your rib cage. She's the monster looking back at you.She is the Dark Horse.

 

 

WAKE UP.

  
The lights are down.The club is dark.The crowds are gone and I am alone.My head is on the cold floor,my eyes staring straight into the empty eyes of Tommy.I lean up and I remember everything.I don't know where I was but I am back now.I am back and I know everything.

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

MATTIE

 

 

Nothing will ever be as you expect it to be.If you didn't expect it at all,you're a sucker.You are a phony too.I've been telling people for as long as I can remember to stay away but they never listen.Everyone keeps searching for a story,keeps wanting an ending.Well,here is your fucking ending.

 

 

I win.

 

  
You see,men don't think with their brains.Men assume that we're all just a bunch of starry-eyed ass-shakers with pouty lips and a disposition.We are,I guess,but we aren't crippled by a hard dick and an appetite for potential.What is potential anyway? I had potential.I had the makings of a great leader and look at me now.I am a boss and everyone I know is dead.I understand why everyone wanted the throne.It feels like a drug sifting through my system.It's euphoric.

 

 

I am high as I make my way down the empty boardwalk.My insides are warming up my skin and I am glowing beautifully despite my appearance.I will heal soon.I am resilient enough for someone so 'terribly fragile'.I'll be laughing my bruises off on an island with my family soon enough.It's all working out perfectly.

 

 

  
Well,I say perfectly but Benedict's been following me for a couple of blocks.Staggering,more like.He knows.I know that he knows.He's a smart boy.Actually,he's probably the smartest boy I've ever met which is a shame.Smart boys die the worst deaths.

 

 

I stop in front of a bench and light up a cigarette.There are many things I don't tell anyone about.The games better if you don't reveal all of your cards up front.

 

 

  
"I can see you,Benny Bear.You can come out."

 

  
He's in front of me with a gun pointed at my face.I let out a long exasperated sigh and flick my cigarette over the rail.It buries in the sand forgotten.I look at it longingly hoping I will be long forgotten soon as well.

 

 

It's strange to admit but I've been waiting for this occasion to happen for some time.I knew I was never going to hide from anyone who figured it out.I wouldn't surrender ,but I wouldn't fail the truth.I am congested with lies but the lies were never for him.

 

  
"Are you going to shoot me?" I ask.I don't mean to sound condescending but it's going to come off that way.

 

 

  
"No" he says before throwing the gun over the rail.

 

 

  
I've noticed the haphazard way he conducts himself.There is a trail of blood all over the boards and evidence woven into the very fabric of his life.

 

  
"It appears you have me all figured out" I said.

 

 

  
Benedict shook his head.I watched his errant curl blowing in the breeze.My eyes traveled up to the blood caked flush of his cheek.He's so beautiful,so tragically beautiful,and I wished for things to have gone differently.

 

 

  
"Dark Horse" he said

 

 

  
I held out my hands for him to get a good look at the monster who did this to herself.Tommy was always going to be a hard sell but it was nothing compared to walking in on him flailing at the shit end of the rope.What villain sacrifices their lives that you know of?

 

 

"Dark Horse..Mattie Luther..Matilda Garvin.I don't know who I am anymore." I said."Everyone keeps saying that a "girl like me" doesn't do this and a "girl like me" doesn't do that but I don't even know what kind of girl I am."

 

 

  
"A murderer...."

 

 

  
"Don't be daft,Benedict." I smirked. "I'm much more than that."

 

 

  
He's losing it.He's on the cusp of hurtling himself off of the pier ,and into the dark beast of the ocean.A girl like me knew exactly what a boy like him would do.I was always one step ahead of everyone.

 

 

"I just want to know how and why." he said,his voice breaking.

 

 

  
"It's a long story."

 

 

  
"I have the rest of my life"

 

 

His voice was rueful.I thought he might cry right here but instead he smiled.There was nothing happy in that smile.It's the smile of a man that knows his own ending.

 

 

  
"I wanted what any girl wants" I said,shrugging. "What every girl should have had...When it became clear that I wasn't going to get that,I felt I had to do something about it."

 

 

"Kill" Benedict said.

 

 

  
"Actually,I tried asking nicely at first.I thought that I could appeal to Tommy at one time because I had his child and he loved me.I thought we could escape and be together." I said. "Tommy loved Elias more.I should have seen that coming.So,I took out Elias.You would be amazed what good pussy get's you in this world."

 

 

  
"You're the one that killed Elias?"

 

 

  
"No.Stanley did.Stanley was in love with me.He was willing to do anything for little ole' me."

 

  
"Because he thought you would be together" Benedict said.He hung his head low and let a dark chuckle escape from his lips. "I know that feeling a little too well."

 

 

  
"I liked you" I said."Benedict,I've liked you from the start.I tried to save you.Don't you remember?"

 

 

"It doesn't matter now" he said. "What happened next?"

 

 

  
"Tommy was obsessed with finding out who this stupid Dark Horse was.It wasn't even a smart name.I picked it because no one would see this mysterious "Him" coming let alone think it was a woman." I said. "He kept pushing and pushing and so I gave him what he wanted.I gave him a trail of dead bodies and heads in boxes."

 

 

"You killed his mum."

 

 

  
"Stanley killed Mrs. Hiddleston.I had nothing to do with that.I gave Stanley one taste of what's between my legs and he went fucking psycho and started declaring his devotion to me.He killed Tommy's mother to show me he was in this for the long haul but of course the lying bastard wasn't.He bailed on me shortly after because he was worried Tommy wouldn't love him anymore.That pissed me off royally.I found someone I could dominate and they still didn't choose me.It's pathetic."

 

  
"You're crazy" Benedict said. He sat down on the bench and rubbed his eyes.

 

 

  
"I am" I said. "I should have left it at that but I liked having the control.I liked hiding behind a persona that could be taken seriously.I liked making moves from right in the middle of things and no one suspected a thing.Why would they?I'm just a dancer,right? A girl like me doesn't kill people.A girl like me does what she is told"

 

 

  
"What changed?" Benedict asked.

 

 

  
"You" I said. "I can't deny the things I felt for you.They were real."

 

 

  
"Why not leave him right then? Why not finally escape?"

 

 

  
"It's complicated" I whispered.

 

 

  
The wind howled around us as we sat in  silence.I felt the same rush of feelings come back to me as I looked at Benedict sitting on that bench.I knew him when I saw him.I recognized him as someone whose heart belonged to me.You don't forget that connection ever.

 

 

  
"I wanted out"I said slowly. "I...I couldn't base my whole life on another man again but then you came to the club that night.That was the night I made an attempt on Tommy's life.He was so set on heroin and I wasn't going to have that fucking up my life too."

 

 

  
"You could have killed me too.Killed two birds with one stone."

 

 

  
"I didn't want you dead." I told him. "I wanted you out of the way.I went to you hoping that you would get scared and book it but you looked at me in the same way I looked at you.I wanted you selfishly,Benedict.I wasn't in my right mind at all.I asked you to stay as the Dark Horse knowing that you would,knowing that you couldn't resist."

 

 

  
"Is this supposed to make any of this better for me?"

 

 

  
"No" I said,honestly. "You're just part of my story."

 

 

  
Benedict stood back up and looked over in the direction of the ocean.It's much too dark to see anything but he looked out anyway.I could tell that he was wracking his brain to make sense of what I had said.It was quite a tale.

 

 

  
"What happened with Stanley?"

 

 

  
"He panicked.He threatened to ruin everything and I couldn't let that happen.Once I planted the idea in Tommy's head that Stanley couldn't be trusted,I knew it would grow." I said. "It worked out better than I thought it would."

 

 

  
"But you had no one to do your dirty work anymore."

 

 

  
"There were other ways." I said. "Tommy fucks things up on his own,luckily.Simon and Faith were actually the best thing that could happen to me.I knew that if my fingers were on that gun you would fight for me.I needed you and Tommy against each other.I needed you on my side."

 

 

"But I murdered Faith.."benedict began.Then as if a lightbulb went off in his head, he sighed ,and threw his head up to the sky. "Of course. You were going to frame me"

 

 

"I needed you for insurance.Your DNA was all over that house. I could use you so that Tommy would go down. But I never expected him to give up.That was not how it was supposed to go."

 

 

  
There are police sirens faintly in the distance.Benedict's back stiffens as he looks in the direction of the sounds.He looks at me and a look of utter surprise washes over his face. I don't look away.I don't let him affect me in the way that he wants.I know he's human.I know he's been around my child and my brother.I know his role in all of this but it doesn't change anything.

 

 

  
"I can finish the story." he said.

 

 

  
"Go ahead." I muttered.

 

 

  
"Tommy needed to die" Benedict said." That has always been clear to you.You thought it could be a different way,maybe lives could be spared,but no.Tommy Hiddleston was marked for death every second of his adult life because of you.You went to bail him out because you were finally going to stop being such a pussy and do it yourself but Tommy knew.Tommy fucking knew what you are and he was going to leave,wasn't he? He was going to leave Atlantic City but you gave him no way out.So,he killed himself.Now,what do you do with one murder pinned on you and two others pinned on people close to you?You look for someone to fuck over."

 

 

  
"I didn't want-"

 

 

"Bullshit,Mattie" he yelled. "You wanted everything you got."

 

 

  
The sirens grew closer.They were right around the corner it seemed like.Benedict talked faster,his eyes bulging wildly.

 

 

  
He continued,"You wanted this all along.You got me where you wanted me.You got me to kill Tommy for you and then you lead me here ."

 

 

 

"I'm sorry" I said.I don't know if I meant it anymore or not.

 

 

  
I pulled out a gun and Benedict recognized it instantly as his own gun from underneath his mattress.I held it at an angle and shot myself in the flesh parts of my tummy knowing that the shots would ring out for blocks.It stung and knocked me to the ground but I felt nothing but a chill.This is it.This is the ending.This is what we've all been waiting for.I held the wound to stop the bleeding and I waited for the sirens to give me a headache. I wore gloves from the cold.No one would ever suspect a girl like me.

 

 

  
"What happens to me now?" Benedict asked absently.He had sunk back down onto the bench.He looked much older than his thirty-seven years.

 

 

  
"You live the rest of your life being glad you're still alive" I said.

 

 

"And you?" he asked.

 

 

  
I didn't answer.The cops were charging the boardwalk and I started screaming from the top of my lungs. Benedict didn't resist arrest when they threw him to the ground.He didn't say a single word.The last memory I have of him is a flash of his face before the ambulance doors shut.He doesn't stand a chance if he chooses to go against me because I will always win.I am,after all,the Dark Horse.

 

 

 


End file.
